The Generic Story You All Probably Know… and Hate
by Dilasc
Summary: In spite of being written by a n00bish 12 year old, this MarySue Story manages to mock itself and everything else around it. It probably also mocks your Trainer fics as well in some way!
1. Protagonitis Is a Bitch, as is Mary Sue

**The Generic Story You All Probably Know… and Hate** (TSYAPK… &H for short-ish)

**Intro: Protagonitis Is a Bitch, (and So Is Mary Sue)**

Maria Champion sighed again in a way that only a conflicted protagonist could. After all, life was hard for a main character child of Generic Champion and Baysic Partner, especially after being bitten by a radioactive Jynx to give her preteen body breasts at least worth a C cup. Then again, this was all part of the predestined life of a main character, after all.

Maria sighed again, in case anyone had forgotten that she was a bit distressed at the moment. Today she was ten, and she would get to start her generic Pokemon journey. She wondered if her Protagonitis would kick in during her journey about Johto, because she knew living in Johto made her somewhat original compared to all the Hoeenese, Sihnoan and Kantonian children with Protagonitis.

Protagonitis was a strange curse of a blessing, and a strange blessing of a curse. It afflicted one out of every one Mary Sue or Gary Sue, and turned their normal life into that of a story. In fact, until last week, Maria remembered being as flat as a ten year old should've been. It wasn't until a pink, featureless cat appeared before her in a dream that she realized her life would never be the same again. She would likely follow the same path as her father, since the sickness seemed to be hereditary.

She sighed again for the two hundred seventeenth time that evening (she's been sighing off-screen) she would leave New Bark Town. Professor Elm was a nice adult who in spite of his dealing with children on a constant basis, was about as far away from a pedophile as one could be. Then again, anyone whose name seemed to be a tree of sorts was a nicely old man who had no dirty fornication thoughts about overpowering easily impressionable youngsters.

For once, Maria Susana Champion stopped sighing. She wondered what Pokemon she would choose, and what her friend and/or rival Jenn-Erica Rivalmark would choose or what the semi-hunky Brad (because all guys named Brad MUST be hot, right?) Enbutter would choose. Tonight would be quite a night of restless sleep.

It was at this point that her mother entered her room, because Maria's location wasn't at all important for a several paragraphs. Her mother had the same lengthy Dreamboat colored hair as her daughter, and eyes that showed only caring. Unlike most of her kin, Maria actually had both parents… yes, even I'm shocked!

The color Dreamboat certainly deserves a bit of time to be described. It is often known as 'favorite hair color' colored hair, and it is said that only one out of every thousand people will see the same exact color as you. Is your favorite color blue… no, yellow! BAM! It's done. Do you prefer that of a zebra stripes design? That's what you see. Do you wanna see rose without the tinted colored glasses? It can be your Dreamland, Kirby!

"Get some rest, sweetie," Her mother spoke in an overly caring tone, yet her words carried a robotic droning tone. Though much of her physical appearance wasn't that important, her sides almost seemed to be thin like paper as though she was literally a two dimensional character stuck in a three… well, perhaps not three, but two point five dimensional world. "You have a big day ahead of you. Generic mother comment."

Maria smiled. She loved her mother Baysic, regardless of whether the author did or didn't remember to put a comma before her name. Every time she said a generic mother comment, she could only think of one way to reply, "Generic daughter response!" And then they hugged, with Maria trying to be careful not to rip her mother's papery existence to shreds the way smart readers may have wanted to.

At that, she shut her eyes, because somehow she was also ready for bed, and had climbed INTO bed during the vague descriptions just before. She didn't need to use a tooth brush or a bar of soap. In the Pokemon universe, Pokemon trainers naturally had built-in body cleansing that prevented any need for either clothing changes or showers. After all, those activities in responsibility would waste time on potentially useless fan service.

With all that said, it seemed that she had fallen asleep in her bed in all that time of description. Surely, the chapter could have ended on a more extravagantly dramatic note, but that doesn't fit here. A generic story seemed deem fit ONLY to have a plaintive and uninspiring end.

Though perhaps, there still is a bit of time, maybe for a rant, because as a new author, I figure it's important to compensate. Just look outside... okay, so it's all nondescript and untold yet (and probably forever unless it becomes important in Maria's life) town. However, there appear to be only three or four houses... even I can't remember the number, but there are so few! What gives? Honestly, how are there even people about, even if they never get described as existing beyond vague recognitions, but still... um, YEA!


	2. Predictable Start, Predictable Starters

**Chapter 1: Predictable Start, Predictable Starters**

Maria was dreaming. It wasn't important to know how, why, or when she had attained REM Sleep status, (see, I'm smarter than most my age because I know there's such a thing as REM Sleep) but the fact remained that she was dreaming.

In her dream, the sight of the three starters flooded her mind. The detail to their creature design was so good that it would've taken too long to describe. Besides which, there was no time to describe, because a plot device crashed into her dream self and caused her to awaken. With a gasp, she panted out of her suddenly gone nightmare sleep.

"Good morning, sweetie," her paper mother stated as she opened her eyes.

"Mom?" she questioned a bit confused, "were you in my room all night? Or even in my bed? Do you know how many incest shippers will..."

"Relax sweetie," Paper Mommio called again, "I'm outside your room. My cut scene trigger goes off when you awaken."

"Okay." replied her daughter, satisfied beyond belief with her answer. There was still a question on her mind, "do you think there'd actually be incestuous shipping for us?"

She didn't get her answer because she suddenly saw the sun, shining in the sky wherever it is a bit higher than it should be. "Oh noez! I'm gonna be late!"

In an instant, she was dressed. The details of her clothes was unimportant, but stylized to the creepy dresscode of perverse pedophiles, she was wearing a miniskirt that somehow never gave the glory of a panty shot or upskirt. To find one would certainly be a rare and valuable photo indeed, because Maria was clearly so beautiful!

In any case, there was breakfast on the table. There was enough bacon and sausage to send a Muslim into a coma, and enough bran to keep one running while seated for days on end. Maria however, had no time to eat any of this, but she realized the value of breakfast. Her father was sitting there. His hair was also dreamboat, and even had a mustache and goatee.

Of course, a rule is, when both members of a married couple have dreamboat hair, then they could NEVER, EVER have the same color hair. In any case, Generic was once a Pokemon champ, but he was now retired because he only had room for love, mainly to appease the romanticizing fan-girls. "Hello sweeter cup."

Maria had only one option, opening her mouth, she created a vacuum effect. Pork, sausages and waffles carefully flew from plates into her mouth as did some juice funnel in as well. Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so ensure it consists of lots of pig! "Mornin' dad," and like a blue colored hedgehog, she was suddenly gone.

"That's my girl!" the man chuckled in a way that proved he was such an interesting character.

Unfortunately for Generic, a malfunction caused him to not fade out with the scene change. Thusly, he found himself along the road floating in midair as his daughter was dashing towards Elm's lab. "Dangit! Now I missed breakfast!" Being a jovial guy, he chuckled.

After finally fading back to his state of stasis, Maria was still running until she saw the lab. It looked like a house but she knew it was the lab, because it was the largest house in town, not that it was all too surprising when town consisted of three other houses.

"I'm here!" she shouted as she panted short of breath, suddenly on the interior of the lab. "Am I late?"

"Yes," replied Professor Elm, appearing seemingly before Maria's eyes from thin air. "All three Pokemon are gone."

"Oh noez!" it looked like Maria Susanna was distressed. "Do you have an experimental electric type or author's favorite as an alternative instead?"

Elm chuckled, "I'm just kidding. You know we wouldn't start without you. After all, you're the most important person here!"

"Hi!" simultaneously called Brad and Jenn-Erica. Their expressions, at the current time, were blank, namely because what they thought wasn't too important.

"Jenn..." trailed Maria in disgust. This was her rival. There was no need to even come up with a back story, the two ladies just felt utter loathing for one another unlike anyone's business.

"Hey loser!" Jenn replied, suddenly her face showed hatred... somehow! "I hate you." Jenn's appearance was a bit taller than Maria, because that denotes her as an antagonist. Her hair was spiky, but also in pigtails. Her hair color wasn't important, but it wasn't dreamboat. Still, it was sexy, because all major characters are if they want to appeal to the audience, right? After all, there's very few stories with a heavyset ingenue! They're called love handles for a reason, and it's BBW not because they're ugly! Not that it matters, these girls are skinnier than the mean weight of Hollywood gals... provided you exclude certain oddballs like Rosie O'Donnell and the like that dare to be different.

"Ahem!" shouted Brad, interrupting the narrative, "can we get started," he asked impatiently, "dude!" he added quickly to remind us that there was testosterone that would grow within his ten year old body. Brad was emo, in spite of his surfer referential. After all, brooding men are sexy... well, provided they're in Japanese media formats of course, and mostly overseas.

At that, Maria's eyes turned into red heart shapes and she said nothing. The author figured that it was all that even needed to be said to begin with. Brad, on the other hand, played oblivious, even though he could clearly see the animated hearts within her eyes. He 'sweatdropped' as it would be called. A giant ball of sweat formed somewhere on his face. "Whoah! Where'd this giant droplet of water come from!" he shrieked in a broody emo voice... somehow. "It's... um, pointless and stuff." At that moment, he spoke again, but his dialogue got sandwiched between a pair of parenthesis ("I am totally emo! Even though I'm only ten, my life and youth totally is wasted away... dude!")

Professor Elm, being an adult of at least thirty years old, was not something that the young writer could build a good character for, so he was oblivious to the childish behavior, "let's let you pick your Pokemon now, shall we?"

In response, time froze, even with a few icicles, which all melted away the instance time resumed. A collective "YAY!" blasted the room they were in as everyone cheered.

Elm did have one curious complaint, "Why did I just go 'yay' as well? I'm not starting MY journey. Honestly, why can't us older people go journeying too. Honestly, I'm in my thirties, and if I was originally older, I no longer am! I wanna go out there and catch Pokemons like every other child! Why am I a cliche old man even at this young age!" As he stopped stealing lines from the narrative's rant, his face had become blue, because there was no room for a pause to breath. After all, characters are simple creatures who can't remember to breathe through their nose if they aren't told to do so.

"Dude! Are you, like, okay old man?" questioned Brad with concern, even if it was pointless, but suddenly corrected himself, "I mean, Old DUDE?"

Elm turned to him and smiled genuinely in a way that not even a bipolar person would in this given situation, "I'm fine. Why, was I upset?"

Nobody said a word in response. This mere lack of dialogue, of course, was somehow as worthy of its own paragraph as actual dialogue!

"Now, you will choose in order based on how much screen time you get."

"But..." Brad began, "wait, Professor Tree person, did you say that? I mean, I can't tell based on what I see."

Elm's face went deadpan as he glanced at the bishonen (because he has to be one... somehow. OR ELSE,) "I did say that." A pause filled the room when suddenly... said Elm. There, you happy you little punk?

"Punk?" snarled the emo dudemeister, receiving many quizzical glances, even though there were only three pairs of eyes in the room. "Uh... nevermind."

"Professor," Maria asked sweetly, causing the old man to blush, which was NOT CREEPY AT ALL! "Why do you say screen time, isn't this story of my... I mean of this journey a fanfic."

"Yea..." the elderly thirty year old trailed, "but we're sorta mirroring the anime, so I said screentime. As such, order of importance fills the same void. Order is: Maria, Jenn-Erica, then Brad. For you who want to be spoiled, that's the order of plot importance... at least at this point in time. I'm sure after I whip up another great chapter in three hours, it'll be even better!"

"Yippie!" Maria cheered as she approached a table with Pokeballs. Yes, there's been a table there the whole time and dog gonitt! You all know what Pokeballs are! Therefore, this author doesn't feel it necessary to tell you what they are, nor does the author remember what tense this story is be teld in.

"Just pick already so I can pick the advantage creature." (Jenn-Erica) because the author felt tired of preceeding verbs with the person's name. It makes things too... qualitative!

"The what?" was the main character's response.

"If you pick Chikorita, I'll pick Cyndaquil." Jenn-Erica explained.

"What are those?" was her question.

"Pokemon!" the other girl snapped back, "really. Why do idiots with as much intellect as Ash become high level champions?"

Elm adjusted a pair of glasses he had suddenly been wearing. To be interesting, they looked like old people spectacles, but they had sunglasses coloration and tinting. "When did you learn the word intellect?"

"Never!" she replied genuinely though still spitting flames, "I just used it... somehow! I don't know!"

Suddenly, as she (Maria) approached the Pokemon, a large picture filled her vision that only she could see. It was a yellow-green form creature with a green leaf on its head (description is HEAVY!)

Even though she was the only one to see it, Elm knew exactly what it was, "that's Chikorita, it's a grass type!" he exclaimed monotonously.

"Pick carefully," Jenn said seriously, "your choice will determine BOTH mine and Brad's final teams."

Maria looked incredulously at her sworn enemy, "Huh?"

"Well, if you choose the grass type, I choose Fire and Brad takes Water. Why, I don't know! I mean, the only moves they have are pound and tackle anyway!"

"Scratch." Brad corrected who he assumed to be Jenn.

"Whatever! The point is, there is no advantage to take! All we get are attack moves and basic defense or attack lowering moves anyway. It's not like it even has any scripted changes if I do or don't win neither. I mean, regardless, three of my final team at bare minimum is static and unchanging. It's the last three that will be determined by this FATAL CHOICE." Jenn suddenly collapsed as another character once again, accidently got caught with a narrative rant in their throats.

Then, in a burst of author magic, she was pepped up good as new. "Just choose!"

Suddenly, another picture filled her vision, this one was a two legged gator with blue skin and red spines. This time, Elm was more livid, "That's the water type Totodile! Stay away from it!"

"Why?" questioned Maria, it looked... cute!

"I..." Elm trailed for extreme dramatic effect, "I've seen a vision. There were 5 shadowed faces... they looked like masks, and there was an angry teenager, and a Viking. I know he was a Viking because I'm awesome like that! Just don't... do it. Oh, and don't look for Lugia or Moltres neither."

Maria felt slight mortification, and judgement told her to put it down and moved to the last option. It looked like a blind, naked mole rat but with spiky fires on its back. "Cyndaquil," Elm stated in a neutral state, "it's a fire type."

Maria took a moment to think. Then, without any control of her own, her hand flew forward, dragging her body with it, as though an invisible figure was pulling her along. As it stopped, it landed her hand on the first ball she had looked at.

Elm smiled obliviously, "Chikorita is a fine choice! I'd have said that had you taken any of them, though."


	3. Where Newbs dare: MSWord Page 10

Remember folks, the point of this isn't directly comedy, it's strangely enough to point out cliches, noob mistakes, almost guaranteed encounters, and game mechanical fallacies that most people just shrug their shoulders at and never consider... but I do! We might as well laugh about it in the process. Warning, this chapter contains sob story and hintings to the stuff hentai enthusiasts dream of!

**Chapter 2: Where Newbs dare: MSWord Page 10  
**

Maria had skipped along the road. Even though it seemed to be the only form of pavement between New Bark Town and the next village that the author swears xe'll check next chapter, there were few people about.

Wasn't there like, commerce and stuff? Ya know, drivers and trucks and industry to be shipped? Not like a town of three houses had much need for commerce when the only exciting part of town was Professor Elm's lab to begin with.

This was when Maria reached her first encounter. "Hey, you," the guy droned nearly in monotone, "you're a new trainer, aren't you?"

Maria blinked as he spoke. Where did this guy even appear from, anyway? "Who me?" she asked, before deciding to trick her, "no!"

"I could've sworned you was," he challenged, "you have the look of a dreamer just entering the world!"

"Really?" she asked with high disbelief.

The man... or boy... whichever, whose hair was a light brown, shrugged, "nah! You just have a protagonist aura. Do you want me to show you how to catch a Pokemon?"

"No!" Maria replied.

"But thou must!" the man insisted, Do you want me to show you how to catch a Pokemon?"

"No!" Maria replied once again, finding her feet unable to move, nor her lips able to move until asked a question.

"But thou must!" the man repeated like a robot, Do you want me to show you how to catch a Pokemon?"

"No, dang it!" Maria replied.

"But thou must!" the man insisted, this time holding his finger at her shaped like a gun, "Now... I said, DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU HOW TO CATCH A POKEMON?"

Maria sighed. His finger gun sure looked deadly, especially since the censorship edit was actually hiding a lethal looking magnum. "Yes! Show me, oh master!"

In a poof of smoke, the gun vanished from the tutorial man's hand better than any ninja could ever wish to attain. Believe it! "Yay!" he cheered in robotic tone, "I'll show you what to do, just like that cute girl who passed by earlier, and that emo kid."

"Wait, Jenn and Brad were through already?" Maria asked.

Tutorial man nodded, somehow knowing their names, even though he swears he never asked either of them, "Of course! Now, let me show you how."

Maria felt herself being pulled towards the man like a magnet as though she had no control of her actions. She followed him as he stepped off the road into TALL GRASS.

"Pokemon can only appear in tall grass." he explained.

"Even in caves?"

"Yes..." he nodded, before gaining some humanity as his eyes widened. His body made strange robotic buzzing and beeping noises as he realized his mistake, "I mean, no! Now, watch me and be amazed!"

His desires were reached as a Lugia appeared, literally popping out of the grass... no, wait it was just a Ratatta. But the rat was shiny! No, wait, it wasn't... er... yes. I'm not sure!

I'll get this maybe shiny Ratatta," the tutorial man stated, as he threw a Pokeball. As the utorial man's Pokeball flew back into his hand, he smiled and glanced at Maria robotically, "That's how it's done. You have to weaken it first though."

Maria's stare was incredulous, was this guy for realz? "I already knew that… wait, why didn't YOU need to weaken it," she demanded as fire somehow engulfed the backdrop around her… "The building's on fire!" she shouted as it suddenly disappeared and everything was normal.

"That's just anime rage," the tutorial man noted, entirely dodging the question, "anyways, the creature--"

"HOLD IT!" Maria screamed as her head grew a dozen sizes, "how did you catch it so easy."

The man sighed, was this girl for realz? "Because this is a tutorial, twit! Stop questioning game mechanics and take the Pokeball!"

"I don't want it!" she hissed.

"Yes you do!" he corrected her, "first off, it's shiny, secondly, you need to fill up your Pokedex by catching more and more creatures! Otherwise Elm won't respect you."

"Elm barely respects himself," she noted, "besides, it's just shiny, it's probably been through nucle..." Maria found her knees shaking, then falling to her knees and sobbing, "my traumatic past!" she sobbed, as she reminded herself of her sad childhood.

It was at this point that she regaled tutorial man with her sad story of growing up and being bitten by a Jynx. The boy... or was it a man, he was kinda... well, he sounded rather childish, I'd say.

"How horrible!" he gasped, pretending to care, though he found his eyes wandering a bit towards her chest, proving that men are straighter than the shortest distance between two places... if they're into that stuff, "want a hug?"

She nodded and hugged him. Somehow no longer a robot, the man smiled as he felt his head swell, both of them! "You poor dear... have my balls..." he stated, before correcting himself, "I mean Pokeball! The Ratatta! She'll understand you!"

Maria sniffled a sob in a cute fashion. Upon doing so, the screen melted, and production was halted for about half a second as the author congradulated herself by spelling that very word incorrectly.

"How do you know it's a she?" she asked, suddenly no longer crying. Heck, moments ago, water was practically gushing out of her eyes like a raging river, and now she was dry... actually, nothing was even dampened slightly from the sob fit.

"It was in battle. It showed the Venus symbol shape. That mean it's a girl. You know, that thingie that looks like a stick figure with a fat clear head?"

Maria nodded, "I'll take it! We'll have a deep connection and this Ratatta will have a deep personality... sure it may become just a gimmick, and I'll eventually lab it for stronger beasties, but for now, we're buddies and the world is our Cloyster! Give me the ball"

He did so, and Maria walked away happily. The walk swiftly became a skip, she decided to catch even more Pokemon! As she hit the grass, her prayers were answered. A strange ball shape with dorky arrowhead glasses and what looked like one leg was awoken to attack.

"Hoot!" it hooted. It was a Hoothoot. This one was also shiny... just kidding, for realz! It's not shiny!

'Alright!' thought Maria, "let's go Chikorita!" she proclaimed as she tossed the green midget into play.

"Chika!" was the creature's response as she eyed the bird.

"Hoot!" said the bird, somehow growling at Chikorita in the process... how do owls and sheep growl when a buck toothed rat cannot? I don't really get it myself, but somehow, this owl produced a growl. I mean, seriously, sometimes moves make no sense!

"Chikorita, use Vine Whip!" Maria ordered. Chikorita only looked at her strangely. "Why not?!" she demanded!

Her response was a robotic reply, "Chikorita can only learn Vine Whip through breeding," it droned, "but honestly, why bother wanting it? Razor Leaf deals more damage, has more uses, and can critical hit more often! What, do you want to be an Ash clone? Will Vine Whip look more epic in fights? Well I got news for you Busterette, sharp razors can look kick butt as well!"

At this point, we (finally) meet the Pokedex. It's a red machine that opens up and is a dictionary of Pokemon "Hi! I'm Dexedrine. Isn't my name clever? I'm named after pills! Anyways, I'm your Pokedex. I'm an obligatory character that will pretty much berate and belittle you to make you seem less annoyingly perfect."

"But I lost to my rival," Maria challenged.

"My point exactly, genius twit!"

"Why so mean?" Maria wondered.

"Well, as shown in every abridged series made about the Anime and in most comedic or parody stories (sorta like this one,) I'm pretty much an illegitimate child, another word for a mule, and the middle man between Tom and Harry! I'll help you when your in a bind though, even though I wish I had Swiss Army Powers at this very moment!"

"..." Maria said, pretty much saying nothing... I... guess. Honestly, who the heck has their first or even only word of dialogue as ellipses? Apparently, lots of authors, but why? It makes no sense, after all, you could just say that Jimbob said nothing or remained quiet, but no! Let's use ellipses, it's so Bad-donkey, right? RIGHT? "..." she stated again as she and both Pokemon sweat dropped. Even the closed Pokeball with a Ratatta did as well... don't ask how.

"Good thing I'M immune to sweat dropping," Dexedrine quipped, "I'd short-circuit if I didn't have that failsafe invested in me. Then again, I wish I could shoot those puffs of air that sometimes happen when you sigh or exhale." Dexedrine whirred into life, "how do you do that! I mean, if we're all like Kirby, then I can understand--"

Maria found good recourse to interrupt, "I did vacuum in about a dozen pounds of pure pig meat this morning."

Dexedrine didn't reply, "Look, let me just analyze this Hoothoot for you and I'll go back to carousing the internet. I need to get my nuts off... and my bolts too! Even though I'm a girl, cuz you needs more girlpower. Author said so," at that, the machine ahemed and began to analyze, "Hoothoot, a pathetic piece of crap choice for a capture, even if its evolution looks bad-donkey, it sucks in combat. Beat it for experience and move on, or catch it for completion of my library." At that, Dexedrine was silenced.

"I'm going to ignore Dexie... yea, I'll abbreviate her name to Dexie!" at that, she returned her attention to the battle. Nothing had happened, though both pokemon were breathing heavily: Hoothoot awaiting its turn, and Chikorita awaiting a command. "Tackle," she stated in resigned defeat. This battle would be boring.

Indeed, it was dull, as all that happened were growls from creatures you'd never expect to be able to growl, and a series of tackles. With all the growls, there was need for lots of tackles. Of course, Chikorita won due to having a higher level, though STAB on Hoothoot's part... wait, why are all birds part normal... wait, I'm not starting THAT debate just yet. We have a whole gym on which I can rant about that. I will eventually though!

Hoothoot fainted, and Chikorita, even though hurt, somehow felt stronger, "Chika," she cooed as she unleashed a volley of sharp leaves. Even though it should've taken more battles to attain that level, this story would have been even MORE dull with a few more wild Hoothoots and Ratattas. Well, okay, those battles happened, fine! But there's no details about them, other than this: Chikorita tackled down a few more owls. Happy?

It was at this point that Maria saw a house surrounded by impassable terrain. She decided to go in, only to find an unpassable field of grass. Though in the grass, she found a new target. This bird looks vicious even with a bit of pink on its brown sparrow body.

Dexie was quickly alive again, "the more Dexie I get called, the more I stabby powers I want. Anyway, this is Spearow. Spearow is one bad mother--"

"Shut your mouth!" Maria demanded.

"I'm just talkin' about Spearow," Dexie shrugged nonchalantly. My my, when did a word like THAT get into a twelve year old's vocabulary?

"I can dig it," Maria concurred, "but the censorships would have caught you had we not done this joke."

"Ahem! Even though spearow is strong early on, you're supposed to be a girly-girl." Dexie quipped, "Besides that, later game Pokemon just outclass it eventually, such as Doduo. Take it or leave it, but don't ignore me again--"

"And I will!" Maria confirmed, because she was a newbie.

"Don't send out bug or grass types. They will be skewered by peck!"

Maria simply ignored (because she was a newbie), "Go Chikorita, Razor Leaf!"

As the leaves flew at the bird, Spearow tore its beak into one and shred it to bits, only small and dull fragments still struck.

"Gasp! That attack actually had..." Maria began before Spearow dove and pecked at Chikorita, causing it to wail, "des... cription... dang it!" Chikorita was KO'd!

"Oh noez! I'm all out of Pokemons!" Maria fretted, "I need to white out... or do I black out? Which one is less racist to do?"

"Bimbo! You still have your Ratatta!" Dexie sighed, this was going to be a LONG journey, "also, I hope you realize that I DON'T follow Asimov's rules of robotics. Did you happen to know that? This is a warning, for if I should I ever get some form of mobility for my own self!"

"Wait, I have Ratatta! I'm so glad I remembered!" she cheered as she pointed her finger upwards right next to her head. Somehow, Ratatta was unleashed, and Chikorita was recalled in this time. "Growl!" she ordered.

Ratatta did nothing. "Try tail whip!" Dexedrine suggested. To this, the Ratatta obliged, even before Maria could command the shiny runt. "I like you a lot!" Dexedrine giggled.

As Ratatta's tail whipped about behind it, Spearow lowered its guard. Why? I don't know, shouldn't a tail WHIP hurt. Ya know, sorta like rat tailing, which would've been a nice signature move for Ratatta... if Super Fang weren't so awesome already.

Spearow countered with a peck, which even though the rat tried to dodging by jumping up, was still hit. It hurt, but not with much.

"Tackle," Maria ordered, getting a shrug and a response and tackled. Surely, this move shouldn't have been so strong, but then Dex explained, "a critical hit mixed with a defense down. Be smart and throw a Pokeball before it faints... if you want it!"

Maria nodded, and as Spearow's attack ended, a growl of no consequence, Maria tossed her Pokeball. As it struck the bird, it disappeared into the thing and time slowed down.

Segue now to the grave of Albert Einstein and travel beneath the dirt. Look at his skeleton! It's rolling around like mad! He is of course, in slow motion until the capture succeeds or fails, but he's rolling.

Back at the scene, oh wait, it's a success. Suddenly, Maria jumped upwards and lasers seemed to streak out of the ground around her. "Yea! I caught a Spearow!"

Dexie sighed, "I wish I could be firin' my lazors! Alas I don't got none! Bah!" Dexie grumbled with bloops and bleeps, "hey wait a second!"

Maria eyed her computerized companion, "what is it?"

"You lucky dog lady! You caught an adamant Spearow! That means it has increased attack and reduced special attack!"

"Yay!" Maria cheered, "but aren't we living in the second generation?"

"No, this is the fourth," Dexie confirmed, "We all know Gamefreaks is going to make a Johto remake this generation! I hope... no probably not!"

"There's a debate and rumor we will NEVER EVER get into, or you'll be a bit... washed up," Maria stated in far too chipper a tone, "right?"

"I'm water proof, skank?" the dex replied.

Maria in her anger dropped the machine to the ground. "Shut up!"

Dex only had one thing on her mind, "wow, Dreamboat color hair even effects the area down there. Yes you hormonal teens and pedophiles, I'm lookin' at THAT!" Dexie Nelson laughed, "haha! You never will!"

Maria blushed as she quickly picked up Dexie. "Stop that."

Dexie groaned. "Oh c'mon! Only six more seconds of footage and we'll be golden!"

Maria sighed as she put Dexie away... where exactly trainers manage to stash things from bikes to watering cans and lots of apricorn coated metal balls was beyond the author's comprehension. Still, she was put away somewhere.

"There's plenty of room inside that thing. Trust me, I saw it!" Dexie continued to laugh. Apparently female robots had the strangest fetishes.

Maria grumbled as she trudged away.


	4. Glimpses of Retard

I'm already out with another chapter. Remember, if at any point, jokes get stale, that I was never aiming to originally work with humor. My goal is to parodize, and dare I say it, sometimes the things we must mock aren't funny, like... uh, some things! Alas, I know I kill the jokes sometimes, but I want to actually mock, and not just write noobishly. Be prepared for lots of wordplay to come... almost literally. Dare I say it, almost in more than one sense of the term.

Unfortunately, this story works best for those who have read Dust to Deceit. Why? To be funny, these stories technically run side by side. This leads to funny contrast: one is dark, innovative and serious (yet funny) the other is illogical and the same damn thing (but again, apparently funny.) As such, some elements will likely not make sense if you haven't read both. Even then, the story isn't as fully developed at some places. To best find it at its fullest, try Serebii. It's also older than this story, so it's more amateurish, but it does help a few jokes make sense.

I'd also like to note that the 'prologue' is probably synonymous with water tester. I didn't feel like changing it back to Chapter one cuz I'm a lazy n00b. Now enjoy!

**Chapter 3: Glimpses of Retard**

As Maria and her sass talking Pokedex ran away, trying to escape from themselves, the scene decided to segue to Jenn-Erica as she walked along towards the city. There she is, kneeling down in the grass. There's no need for any censorship magic here. Why, may you ask?

"Who wears short shorts?" Jenn practically declared, "I wears short shorts!" Alas, it was true, whether for better or for worse (an entirely opinion based belief,) Jenn had shorts on, sorta like May, though they were highly form fitting like a second skin. Obviously, this wasn't an important detail.

"AHEM!" JE shouted, interrupting narration "Hi folks! I figure I get you caught up. Since the narrator is an incompetent tool, I figure I'd tell my story myself, or just catch you all up!"

Jenn indeed deserved to die. Wait, she was being nice to the audience?! She's supposed to be an ugly, snide abuser, isn't she?

"No I'm not! Anyways, my team thus far is Cyndaquil, who now knows Smokescreen," she explained, "a Sentret, a bit boring though it makes a nice HM Slave later..."

And thus we caught onto the act. Slavery, huh?! Real smart, sister!

"HM slave! It means that it can learn a boat load of Hms! For frog's sake, it can learn SURF! SURF! How does it manage, I don't know, but it can learn it," JE vented, "with Cut, Strength, Headbutt or Rock Smash and Surf, I think it'll do just fine! For now, all it has is Tackle and Defense Curl, oh well."

Suffice to say, she is behind her rival. As it should be, Maria is prettier than this girl after all. Jenn is an icky... doodiehead! Even narrations hate censorship.

"We all hate censorship, but I have a few others. I have a Pidgey, even if it is inferior to Spearow, gets more Pokedex slots filled, and Sand Attack hecka is annoying," suffice to say, Jenn DID have a good point. Faulkner's gonna be a pest! "Why is it called Sand ATTACK though, and why is it ground type? I'll never understand that, but I'll take the cheap strategy move for what it is: banned by Smogon, but free to be abused in this story."

As she took a pause, it'd have been best to say that Pidgey hasn't learned Sand Attack YET, but it's close. Regardless, Smokescreen is just the same, but with a normal typing. Anyways, now that this girl whose dressed like a dominatrix from waist down is done saying her team, it's probably best to...

"MOVE AND DIE!" Jenn roared, her head suddenly huge, with jaws protruding where normal teeth should have been, "now, I also caught a Ledyba. They suck! Really, useless Special Defense and all that, but it fills my Pokedex. I need to buy more Pokeballs... because even rivals have to follow the same rules as protagonists. You just don't see them cuz we're offscreen!" Jenn replied, feeling smug for some reason or another.

Look, town! This Cherrygroove City, despite the fact that a rural farm seemed to have a higher population, this was a city, and surprise, surprise, this 'city' also had a few houses, but get this, there's... FIVE! I guess that's worthy of city.

"It's Cherrygrove!" JE corrected, "anyways, you can meet my Pokedex, Dexterity."

It looks the exact same as Maria's, even though I gave no description of hers, it looked the same, it didn't sound the same, "Sup! I'm Dexterity. I'm not actually nimble, the author just thought it was a cool stat in certain RPG games even though she doesn't know the definition, or even understand remotely how their mechanics work in more than half the RPGs she got them from. But I'm not annoying like Dexedrine. In fact, I'm home slice!"

JE shuddered, "he's a bit... perverse. If he were human, he'd probably be called 'Dexual Predator! He'd probably be a lot nicer by Maria's side. He fits a skank like her more," she paused here, "and apparently skank is a word we CAN say."

Dexterity smiled as best as an inanimate object could, "I'm feeling a bit odd, could I get your soft fingers to give me an oil change?"

JE just ignored the machine as she entered town. Upon doing so, she was approached by an old person. He was old with wrinkled skin, though he moved surprisingly fast, "well hello there! You look like you're just starting on your Pokemon journey."

JE groaned, "I am, but I'm the rival character."

The old man grimaced for a second, "well, I already started the sequence... now then, I could show you a few things if you'd like."

Before JE could respond, she was moving by a force not her own. "This is the Pokemon Center where blah blah etc." he said very literally, "this is the shop where you can buy Pokeballs..." then they moved to the water, "this is the sea as you can see!"

"NO WAY!" JE gasped as she put her hands to her cheeks, "I'd have never guessed!"

The old guy's Alzheimer kicked in as he ignored her, "you can only catch certain Pokemon at sea," following that, they walked on towards another house, "and this... this is where I live," the old man stated, "I like youngsters like you. So supple and filled with energy," he droned. Somehow, they had ended up inside his house. Before JE could yell for help, he handed her something, "here, I've just handed you something and now somehow you can upload the map of the region on your Pokedex. Come visit me any time. Bring prune spread and some Barry White."

Suddenly, an alarm went off on his hand. Not his watch, his hand! "Oh no!" the old man gasped, "I'm gonna need to ask you to leave right now! You won't like what you're about to..."

Jenn didn't even NEED an explanation, she was gone in a jiffy. "BYE!"

The old man sighed as he teleported out in a blip of light. His PMC senses were tingling!

Sure enough, as he reappeared outside, his supercomputer senses could show a dreamboat haired girl in the distance approaching town.

Look, it's BRAD! He's so dreamy and emo. He's dreamo! See, it's easy to make my own portmanteaus! "It's pointless... dude!"

Suddenly, nobody cares! Let's segue back to Maria, or even JE, this guy is serious too much shtick and not enough character.

As JE entered the next route to the north, she noticed unavoidable grass and figured she might as well walk into it. And she was introduced to a new creature... and she smiled.

"Bellsprout," the creature droned, "bell, bell!" It was a skinny plant body with two leaves for 'hands' and a long bell shaped face and a large mouth with lips.

"I have my grass type!" JE cheered, "and I'm tired of the author almost putting Maria in place of my name EVERY TIME! It's getting annoying."

As she whined, her Pokedex somehow appeared in her hand, "hey, that's a bellsprout. As a rival, decide now if that's going to be your mainstay grass type."

Jenn frowned, did she have to? "I guess, it's stronger than Vileplume, has secondary type unlike Bellosam, and unlike Exeggcute, it doesn't have a lot of weaknesses and still has a fighting resist and isn't weak to bug. I guess I can take it, if I don't like it, there's always... um, Sunkern?"

Jenn began to giggle, and even the Pokedex laughed as well, "Hah! The Pokemon with the lowest stat total. That's a scream!" they were rolling with laughter. Poor Sunkern... really. If only someone would come up with a fire type based evolution for Sunflora where it could be an actual SUNflower and create some sun... alas, poor Sunkern!

Jenn grinned, "I'll just use Cyndaquil for a quick win. All it has for now is Vine Whip. We'll rectify that eventually."

The Pokedex interrupted, "Hold on sexy hands! If you hit with something fiery, you might KO it."

Jenn shrugged, "it doesn't have any fire moves yet," and thus, the flag burning rodent was in play. "Use tack..." somehow, the Bellsprout struck first, with Vine Whip, obviously.

"Before you ask," the dex stated, "it's Hasty natured. That's the only way it's faster. This may prove useless later on, but the choice is, of course, yours."

"I'll go for it. Is it male? If so, he can be a breed machine. Tackle!" she ordered now that it was her turn, and indeed, it tackled the creature. With a much higher level, the plant felt much pain. "Go Pokeball!" and then suddenly, "Yay, I caught it!" This is why I hate that girl... hmm, maybe this isn't doing too good at proving my point, is it?

"That was so fast I didn't even see it move," Dexter noted, "and don't call me Dexter! You can call me Dex or even Dext, both are plausible abbreviations for Dexterity stat values."

JE shrugged and moved on. As she did, Maria was running up the trail just a step behind her. Of course, she couldn't see her, so there was unfortunately no dramatic encounter. There won't be one until after the first gym, anyway.

Maria was running away from some old man... yes, the story is finally back on Maria Susanna Champion instead of Jenn-Erica Leigh (gasp! Middle Name revealed!) Rivalmark.

"It's your own fault for wearing a miniskirt to begin with," Dexie quipped with a chuckle.

"He grabbed me, and he ran surprisingly fast for an old guy. He gave me a map thingie, but did he pull up my..."

"As I said, your wardrobe choice is your OWN fault. Okay, he'd probably still have chased you like Michael Jackson would a boy, but that's besides the point," Dexie sighed.

"This joke is dead and unimportant. Can we keep moving?" Maria asked, "why does everything seem to come back to talk about the human body, anyway?"

Dexie, being smart, because she's a comp and all, replied with what best a shrug she could, "maybe Sigmund Freud has an answer. Ya know, basic needs."

"My basic need is to be the champion!" Maria cheered as she pumped a fist at the air.

"Thank gosh there's no dramatic wind. You think censors would have lengthened that abomination to begin with," Dexie groaned, "just keep moving so we can reach the town with a gym already!"

Indeed, now that the upskirt joke was dead for the time being, the mismatched duo of man (or woman,) machine, and Pokemons, which technically would be a quintet, trudged forward, even though only Maria's feet actually moved and as they did, they reached a strange creature. This creature looked like a bug, a spider to be more precise. It was green, even though on the Gameboy Color it was sometimes an indigo and blue color. Regardless, this spider stood before Maria, and Dexie piped up.

"Don't even think of using this for battle if you value victory," Dexie commanded, "Spinaraks are known perverts in Dilasc's hands. With long ranged string, a low height close to the ground, and most importantly, the ability to shoot white stuff... who am I kidding, you're ten! You're too stupid to understand what--"

"You're rambling and ruining a good joke," the girl noted, "anyway! Eww, icky bugs! I hate bugs! Gah!" her fear seemed forced, "I'm not that much of a Mary Sue if I have some phobias, right? Bug fears for cutesy girls aren't common..." she paused, "are they?"

The Pokedex would have rolled her eyes if she had any, "Yes, now fall to the ground in terror while shaking uncontrollably!"

In a twist of personality, Maria got back onto her feet, even though I never told you that she ever got off them. Dramatic music began playing in the background as she stood. "I will over my maybe existent fear of bugs!" At that, she threw a Pokeball at the bug, and strangely enough, she caught it without needing to weaken it in the least.

"Well," Dexie began, "that only took fifteen retries on the save-state file! We are SO original on our team right now... well, technically, as far as compared to other authors. How many have their shiny as a Ratatta anyway?"

"WAH!" she began crying, "Wah! Shiny means nuclear waste! My traumatic experience! Buawah!"

Dexie frowned, "I'm shutting down for a while, and I'm taking the chapter with me."

Before Dexie could do that however, we see ourselves back at Jenn, as the author suddenly jumped tenses and goes back and jumped tenses again. Are you confused yet?

Jenn has just beaten a youngster, whose sole claim to victory was a ratatta. Suffice to say, he lost to her better skill. The strangest thing about this 'youngster' was...

"So wait, you're saying that you random trainers are put on shifts and that you haven't had a replacement in..." JE trailed. This boy was strange looking, because in spite of being dressed like a boy, he was far over 5' tall, and had lots of facial hair. By the way, the author made a booboo and used NUMBER KEYS. Gasp! That's so unprofessional.

"It's been about 14 years. They forgot to renew my anti-aging mechanism then, and then forgot to send a replacement to compensate. Good thing we never need to use the bathroom."

"We don't" JE asked, forgetting a comma in her dialogue.

"Well, unless this were a special niche of hentai, anime characters never need to pee. We do fart, but only when the writers think fart jokes are funny." His tone was depressed. He wanted to just move from his spot, but he couldn't.

"It's not even a FUN job either. I mean, we can't train our Pokemon, we can barely move, and the money that is generated within our magical pockets is destined to be given away," he sighed, "Times are tough!"

JE figured she would talk to him again. She only got one response, even though she didn't say anything to him.

"*Sigh,* times are tough!"

She tried again.

"*Sigh,* times are tough!"

After that, she figured she'd give up. "Dex, why can't we have a less RPG feel to this story? I want epic battles with realistic strategy!"

"Are you sure?" Dex asked, "you don't realize what you're asking for."

"Yes," Jenn selected.

"Very well... in order to start that, we must close the chapter," Dex stated matter-of-factly, "This sort of quality battle writing will require the author to actually THINK, and he can't do that if he must rush this chapter out in 12 minutes."

Jenn grimaced, how dare her Pokedex use numbers unprofessionally, "Before this ends, the name of that dream demon in Dust to Deceit is M..." and suddenly, the chapter ended (AND JUST... IN... **TIME!**)


	5. Pun of a Villainous Kind

1Another chapter, it's like Christmas every day. Remember kids, Santa is the most revered obese person, and probably the only one with romance songs written about him!

Be warned, this chapter contains LOTS of trivia, many celebrity names, and even a few get bashed. You likely WILL NOT understand all of the inside intranets jokes. If you don't, I will be explaining them in due time.

**Chapter 4: Pun of a Villainous Kind**

In a secretly secreted location that was dimly dim, a shadowy shadow was maniacally smiling maniacally. Oh yea, and his eyes were glowing the way all evil character's eyes do, and they were of course slanted in an evil angry or smirk position. Within this room, two people yet to be determined in appearance were groveling at his feet.

"It appears," said the shadowed man, his voice aided by voice deepening equipment and Mafiaizationing his voice to have the New Yorker Italian accent, "that I'm-a gonna make you an offer you can't-a refuse."

"I refuse!" went the person, its voice currently lacking any tone whatsoever.

The shadow's eyes took on the sad shape, "please...a?"

"Fine," the other equally ambiguous form intoned.

"It-a seems that there be's a Mary Sue's about, and we needs-a to get two bumble-fudges to follow her around-a! If you do-a this, I won't-a Spirit Prisonize-a you. Are we clear, uh... which ridiculously named duo are youz? Is you Kane and Able?"

The forms shook their head, one then spoke, "Aren't we Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?"

"No,"the other replied, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead... GASP! I mean spirit imprisoned! I think we're Jack and Danielz."

"I'd drink to that, if it weren't for 4Kids. But noez, those two are smashed. Maybe you're Hip and Hop," the Italian cheese (Parmesan) suggested.

"We don't sound THAT bad. Maybe we're Jay and Pop."

"If you are, your names are censored. You two isn't-a Caesius and Clay. All I knows is that you's had nice and meaningful's Japanese names untilz 4Kids ruined you. Nows you just a pun, like everyone else, and they suck. Even-a my name,"

"Sir! The audience mustn't know!" replied Comic Relief Reccurrent (CRR) number one.

The other nodded, "Even if they already does," CRR number two quipped in with a shrug. "We'll figure our names later, boss, give us some villain quirks!"

The pair of eyes took a moment to think, "He's a fruitcake, and you, other one, you'z a girl, but for your age, both of you in'a de upper teens, you're's is flat chested and a bit overweight. Therefore, since this is Japan and not America, you weigh probably about 140 pounds... fatso! As for hair color, dude's gotz yellow--"

"Blonde?"

"No, yellows. I'm'a gets some permanent yellow paint. Anyways, yous both have sad pasts and will catch Pokemons for me. Capiche?"

They both nodded, but the second CRR was not satisfied yet, "what color and style is my hair?" she asked.

"Well-a, in Japan, you'd have been a Lesbo, but nose rings are too much a bad image for kids, and not even Pokemon USA would allow dikes. So you is a manly girl. Mamma Mia! Here I go again!" the eyes seemed to bob up and down, until one of the eyes fell to the ground and shattered like glass, "I's a need better strings! Waita, you'sa gotz spiky hair, as though you was a typical RPG hero, and it'sa bight green. Anime characters getza many colors!"

"That paragraph is chunky," CRR 1 stated, forgetting to not abuse the number pad, "but I think I understand."

"Wann-a recap that then?" the voice asked.

"No, the readers can read back up. Thanks anyways though..." CRR 1 replied, "C'mon now, I want a name. I'm not a number!"

"Can we be Tom and Geri?" asked the now manly woman.

"This isn't a game-a of cat and mouse!" the boss boomed.

"How about Kenan and Kel... ly?" asked the other.

The voice simply sighed, "Ahh," it groaned, "here it goes!" After more suggestions and several more pun based reasons why they'd be bad...

"Bill and Cosby!" tried the man, who in spite of being fruity, WAS straight, he just had an effeminate nature.

"You kidz, they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage! You don't know what the Jazz is all about!"

"How about Isaac and Hayes?" tried number two. All eyes went wide, then looked at #2 with disgust.

"Too soon, man! Too soon! Wait, I've got it and this name duo, I'm-a never gonna gives youz up or gonna let's you downs!" The boss began to laugh maniacally, "now, bring on the talking Pokemon companion!"

As a parchment magically appeared in their hands, he spoke again, "you can choose anything on the list!"

And look, three uses of the enter key, that means a scene change. There's Maria in all her blandness or lack thereof. Use your imagination, dang it or shove off! Gosh, do I have to do EVERYTHING! I'm twelve years old! You don't know what it's like to be a twelve year old girl who idolizes hip-hop artists, the kinds especially who butcher classic songs from decades ago. So NYEH!

Maria was flabbergasted. Did the author just have a mini-tantrum IN the story? Couldn't have been, so she just moved on. "Oh goodie!" she cheered, having just defeated a few jounior trainers and gaining money... whatever it was called and whatever the coins or bills actually looked like. "I am invincible!"

She looked down towards her belt, Dexie didn't reply. She frowned. She liked the way Dexie would mock her and bring her down off her high horse, and talk about her choice of clothes as being trashy. In the Japanese version, this would have had a bit more meaning, yet far coarser dialogue, but in America, she's an attention whore and nothing more. Lesbians are teh wrong. Damn you Word Processor for trying to auto-fix teh on me!

"There's the town! A gym should be at this one," she giggled as she clapped her hands in a way most Anime characters don't behave. It was, however, akin to the way real teenage or prepubescent girls (or effeminate men) would act if they were overexcited, "They do that usually, where the first town you find doesn't likely have a gym. It makes no sense!"

Regardless, she at the border of this city, which seemed to have a fairly large amount of houses: 10! Now that's a city for ya!

Before she could enter the town, however, two forms appeared before her wearing white uniforms with a big red R on the front of them. Gee! I WONDER WHO THESE YOKELS COULD BE?!

"Prepare for cheesy rhymes," said the Butch woman.

The fruity hetero then jumped in as well, "and uh... um, oh yea! We commit a lot of crimes!"

"Rick!" the man continued.

"Ashtley!" the woman joined in with vigor.

"Team Ro..." the woman began again.

"WAIT A SECOND!" roared Dexie as she jumped awake, "Jessie and James was at least kinda cute! I mean, really, cowboys deserve major props mostly because of the kickass shoes and funny hats. But Rick and Ashtley?! C'mon!"

"HOLD IT!" Maria snarled.

Suddenly, the scene changed, and was on a close up of two gravestones. Maria was then shown as it zoomed out. "It had to be done," she stated grimly as she held a Katana in a very awesome fighter stance.

"Wait, what?" Rick intoned, "all you did was step over to this conveniently placed set of tombstones and said 'it had to be done,' you silly buns!"

"Don't question me, stupidheads!" Maria shot back.

"Oh yea!" Ashtley retorted, "don't make us use our namesake's gimmick!"

Rick nodded, "we will!"

"It's just a Rick Roll," the machine stated without caring.

"I wanna DO A BARREL ROLL!" Maria smiled, "but I've misplaced my Z button and R button, twice!"

"Not just a Rick-Roll!" smirked the villainous woman, "it's more of a... remix."

"Hmm... you mean Robo's theme from Chrono Trigger? That's actually kinda catchy, so that'd be pretty 1337... yes I do speak 31337 speak, I AM a computer after all!" At that, she harumphed.

Rick tilted his head, "I haven't seen that one," 'but I'll definitely look it up' as he suddenly cued some music, "no, this is a very, sadly, OFFICIAL remake by a very official Disney whore."

Dexie's green light darkened, then paled, "You don't mean... oh please, PLEASE! Who'd have thought that American translations could actually be DARKER than the Japanese version."

"But it is..." Ashtley began, then she chortled. "just be glad that you don't have Leeroy and Jenkins on you."

"Are they mocking the Warcraft nubcake, or the Christian singer?" Dexie asked. Maria, was of course, too pretty to be involved in this conversation.

"Well..." Ashtley ended as the scene really DID shift elsewhere. Lookie! There's another group of Mary Sues. More developed in their journey.

Suffice to say, two people dressed in R shirts like the Rick Roll crew were surrounded by a bunch of small dragon types with wings and actual aerial capacity. The female, Jenkins, spoke first.

"Leeroy, you are just stupid as hell!"

Leeroy shrugged, "At least I have chicken!" he then held up a Torchic. He really DID have chicken.

Suddenly, there was an explosion and Leeroy spoke again, actually, he sung. "Looks like I'm goin to he Spirit (prison) in the sky. It's where I'm gonna go when I fry. When I fry and they lay..." the rest was cut off as he and his partner got blasted off (again.)

"Goddamnit, Leeroy!" replied that group's Mary Sue.

With a woosh, the scene returned to Maria, because she's special. "Ya know, I think I'd prefer dragons," Dexie replied, "maybe lady crotchet... or crotch-less, I should say, would catch one, since she is a perfect person."

"Enough of this!" the spiky haired R girl began.

"SUFFER!" they both roared together.

And then it happened. Dexie thought it was a bluff, but the song DID play. "Oh sweet Lugia on a cardboard box! It's Ashley Tisdale's version!"

Strangely, Dexie began to bleed from what would be its computerized ears, "awful acting, singing, and thievery. Can she be any lower than useless?!"

Maria shrugged, "I liked Highscho..." she suddenly felt a strong vibration from Dexie, who seemed to be suffering immensely.

"Now I want you to suffer for TWO eternities, AND it's now impossible for me to even ATTEMPT to respect you..." Dexie snarled, "I'll have the Asimov laws revoked eventually, I guarantee THAT!"

"Now we steal your rare and valuable Pokemon! How delicious!" Rick grinned, "YES! YES! This is delicious!"

Ashtley approached Maria, "you're supposed to be in pain. If not, we could have a Pokemon fight where we get to cheat."

Maria nodded, "that sounds fair to me. Let's go Chikorita!"

Ashtley then used a Pokeball of her own, "go, uh... what Pokemon did we get as cliche badguy creatures anyway?"

As the Pokeball opened, she got her answer, "Pikachu!" In an instant, she aimed the light at the Pokemon and it changed into a different creature, "Grime! Grimer?" the small creature asked as it glanced over its now sludgy body.

"We can't let THAT little rodent control THIS series too..." Ashtley covered up.

"Go Eevee," the R man called.

A record in the background stopped playing for dramatic effect, "wait, Eevee?!" Ashtley demanded, "HOW?!"

"Well Mary Sue stories create an immense amount of excess surplus caused by the entropy created by the overpopulation of Eevees. The boss has so many that they're not even INTERESTING any more," he shrugged as he waved his hand gaily, "besides, the audience will love guessing how it evolves. There's not just seven choices, sweeties and like my sexuality, I'm going to be VERY ambiguous about my preferences!"

Ashtley groaned, "whatever! Just be sure to not confuse your Eevee with those of one shot character Eevees, okay?"

"If you two are arguing, I'll start with Razor Leaf!" Maria began.

With eagerness, the grass beast took a look of intensity as leaves came out of its leaf covered head shaped like razors they flew at the targets which Grimer trudged its way to gather upon its amorphous body which took next to no pain. Run on sentence!

"I don't know what was said," Ashtley began, "but get it with some Smog!"

"Eevee!" ordered Rick, "use Quick Attack."

Both targets performed their move. Covered in smog, the Grass type felt weak, and the STAB Quick Attack didn't ease the pain. Chikorita was poisoned, and fell to the ground.

"Dang it!" Maria pouted, "my Chikorita has been pretty USELESS! There's too many bugs and birds and poison types about!"

"Aww! She's so cute when she pouts!" Ashtley noted, "let's leave her be."

"Really?" Dexie snorted.

"No!" Ashtley spat as she spoke, "I wanna make this goodie two shoes BLEED!"

"Then don't let me stop you..." the computer glibly cheered, "However! This'd be more epic if we ended right here in a freeze frame with light streaking across the background in a dramatic pose."

"I agree!" Rick noted, as he struck a dramatic battle pose.

Oh no! Is Maria's journey really over? Could these two Rockets really win? Is Leeroy really going to the Spirit (prison) in the sky? Does Ashley Tisdale actually have any true value? Can there possibly be any way that any of these questions can be answered with a YES? I'm sure you all know the answers, but STAY TUNED for the next exciting episode that you've probably already seen many times before.


	6. Cemeo of the Goshes

Can you feel the energy? No?

Well, on with the show. By the way, anyone who wonders why I hate ellipses, will understand soon, and if this story can't give you the reason, I'll say it right here. It feels like a lazy way to get out of describing hesitancy/silence/pause, and it can be unclear WHY. At least when not starting on an ellipse, you can set dramatic trailing.

To note, Maria's state of clothing… like many other things, is open ended and has yet to have its answer revealed (and unless I want to up the rating, we may NEVER know)

By the way, JE is a DOODIEHEAD! She's an ikypoo loser and I… erm, I mean Maria is awesome sauce! If the Mayan Calendar is wrong, don't vote for Jenn-Erica Rivalmark in 2012 because she's too normal!

Then again, that's her shtick. She's not really mean, bad, ugly, crude or stupid, but I'm just biased against her because she's the rival and antagonist yet not the villain. Basically, she's supposed to make Maria look more awesome, but to parody reality, she's actually a more enjoyable character to write when I'm not making lewd and dirty jokes (and even when sometimes!)

References in the last chapter:

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead – Characters from a famous Shakespeare piece star in Tom Stoppard's play of this very name. It is an identity piece about two characters who barely can figure out an identity and forget their names, let alone a sense of self.

Jack Daniels – It's an alcoholic beverage.

Kenan and Kel – Back when Nickelodeon was good… this show was definitely part of its better years.

Leeroy Jenkins – Two for one deal. Leroy Jenkins is a Christian Musician who wrote Spirit in the Sky. Leeroy Jenkins is a doofusy n00b in World of Warcraft. You can easily find the video on youtube or something.

It had to be done… - For giggles mostly. I always wanted to make fun of the fallacy of instant time skips.

Rick Ashtley – For those who don't know, he wrote the Rickroll song, or Never Gonna Give You Up if you're not very good with internet Memes. Ashley Tisdale made a remix of this, and butchered something nice! There is no mercy in these crummy times. BTW, it does have similarities to Robo's theme from Chrono Trigger. With it being released on DS very recently, you can enjoy this game again! Also, his real last name is Astley, but we're dealing with a dyslexic twelve year old so cut her some slack

Isaac Hayes – He did songs like Shaft, and played the role of Chef on South Park. I mean, hello, it's CHEF! He is the only man whom I'd feel safe singing about black balls being in my mouth without wanting to bolt. Alas, he is recently dead, and thus it'd be too soon to make fun of him.

Tom and Geri (Jerry) – Seriously now? This is a famous Cat & Mouse duo. CLASSIC cartoon stuff! You kids don't even know what you're missing!

I'm Gonna Make You an Offer You Can't-a Refuse – Good Old Godfather line usable by ALL cliché mafia men in this day and age.

Bill Cosby – Pokeman?! Pokeman! With the Poké and the man and the guy comes outta the thing! And he pokes you! Ba ha ba ha bahaha!

Do a Barrel Roll – An old Starfox64 classic line from a wonderful game!

Rick Being Ambiguous – Do you want to know what way he swings? Do you WANT to know which kind of Eeveelution he's getting? If so, then I chalk up one extra point for myself. Go me!

**Chapter 5: Cameo of the Goshes**

"…" said Maria very loudly. Even though it made no noise, it was very loud silence. Then she remembered something, "this is a double battle! But a tutorial hasn't told me what to do yet."

Dexie groaned, "You use two Pokemon and beat the crap out of two Pokemon, rather than use one Pokemon to beat up one Pokemon."

"Sounds complex," Maria noted as her Chikorita continued to get randomly pummeled.

"It's about as easy as tying your shoes," Dexedrine tried, noticing for the first time that Maria was wearing cute girlie shoes that didn't have laces, "heavens forbid though, you ever need to bend down and tie them. Then again, you're too lazy for laces. Anyway, just send something out there before I find a way to cut you!"

Maria nodded, "Chikorita, Poison Powder!" she commanded, "Go… uh, let's use Spinarak!"

As the Spinarak appeared, it looked about it. Last thing it remembered was being on the hunt for food and remembers being female, because forgetting one's own gender can be very disturbing. It also doesn't like being captured, nor does it like the jump in tenses. Then again, the narrator, wait, I mean, I, don't care about this punching bag creature. It'll likely get replaced later by stronger creatures like Heracross or even Pinsir the underdog.

Spinarak knew one thing though. This version wasn't perverse. It was, however, ready to serve her Mary Sue mistress.

"Use… uh, String Shot!" Maria called.

The author forgot about but then suddenly remembered that she commanded Chikorita to attack. Chikorita performed the poisonous attack as it was ordered, it hit the Eevee, and the Grimer and the two Rockets… oops, did I just reveal a secret? Well, no. As an old School Moblin once said: IT'S A SECRET TO EVERYONE! Ever since, few video games have given such bountiful proverbs! The real strange thing though, was that Chikorita shouldn't have had Poison Powder normally at this point, and it's also strange that it's its ONLY powder, and that it hurt Grimer and a bunch of other people.

"HAX!" shouted Rick as he coughed, stealing what I was about to shout. He knew that if he didn't move until healed, he'd take no damage. Then again, he could cheat the system by jumping, or swimming underwater, but that was unimportant now, "Eevee, Sand Attack em!"

Ashtley looked about, "HOLD IT!" she roared, "this fight is too confusing!" she stated as she eyed Maria with a smile. What the American dubbers didn't tell you was that Ashtley's smile was flirtatious. Instead, her eyes are in a wicked grin instead. "The text… this battle is all over the place. Can we start over?"

Maria and Rick exchanged a glance. "Sure!" they replied at the same time.

**RESET BUTTON ACTIVATED!**

Maria then posed. The hatlike object thing upon her head… whatever it was, was tilted to the side as she spoke dramatically. Lazors flew out of the ground in a blue backdrop. "Go Chikorita!" It then repeated, this time in a green background, "Spinarak, I choose you! GOOO!"

At that, the two Rockets launched (no pun intended) their Pokemon onto the battlefield. "Let's start Eevee with Quick Attack!" at that, there was a pause, "hit either one!"

Yes indeed, as Eevee was told to Quick Attack, Chikorita launched a few leaves and Spinarak launched a semi-sticky white string.

Dexie chortled sarcastically, "I bet you've seen LOTS of String Shot for a ten year old."

The battle was fierce! It was like something out of a high class action movie, except with MANY repeating frames and reused animations. Eventually, it came to an end.

"Chikorita!" Maria declared, "Spinarak!" she yelled.

The two creatures were undyingly loyal, even though they knew next to nothing about this girl, other than that she should have been in prison with Bubba, and that'd be a reward (for both of them.)

"Use the Deus-Ex-Machina finisher!" Maria declared.

Slowly, but surely, a crane lowered a strange man with a bolt of lightning in his hand into the scene, "Sup dawgs!" he stated in a chillax tone, empowered by goshly echo effect.

"… Who are you?" asked the closet lesbian.

The white haired man responded with a shrug, as he whipped out a pair of sunglasses, "Zeus. You ordered my machine to crane me in," he then eyed the two ladies, "I might visit you two later as a rain cloud…"

"… Why are you here?!" Rick demanded.

"You don't know?" he asked. The shaking of heads answered his question, "… You asked for a Deus-ex-Machina: The Machine of the goshes if you go back to the days of my followers. Now they only follow that Jebus fellow!" Zeus stated darkly as his lightning bolt surged with power, "oh, he died for your sins! A real gosh NEVER DIES!" he proclaimed as he rose his jagged yellow object to the sky. Suddenly, he was covered in all black as thunder crashed in the background. Yes, there was lightning, but every moron and even their MOTHERS call it all thunder. Zeus suddenly became calm again, "well, aside from Hind's blood, but those're extinct now. Anyway, you got a machine of the goshes, so here I am! Whaddya need?" He seemed laid back, but his eyes kept wandering back to the two women. Can you really BLAME Zeus though for cheating on his wife? I mean, for Crackle's sake, Hera's his OLDER SISTER! To most people, this was uber yuck!

"ENOUGH!" demanded the king of Mt. Olympus, "now I'd say 'Go… erm, odd with a g in front, but that's not allowed, unfortunately. I'm guessing you wanted a Deus-ex-Machina of another kind. In that case…" he paused, and tapped the Rockets with his lightning stick. Suddenly, they were crispy and charred as were their Pokemon. "Anyway, I'm going to go make my wife angry again by impregnating more mortals! I'll be see you ladies in about… um… 12 years! Oh, and tell your friends to visit the oracles at Delphi!"

Ashtley coughed, "that jerk! That pig!" she spat to the ground. Being a Rocket, she had an immense immunity to death, but one thing REALLY had her riled up, "gods think themselves ABOVE the use of using the word twelve without typing it out in full! That's it, I'm Anti-Greek Pantheon!"

Suddenly, the two Rocket Pokemon were recalled, and Rick and Ashtley were no longer covered in any sign of burns or damage, "let's blast off! We'll say that every time you conveniently defeat us. We'll be back though sugarpump! Cuz like our namesake, we're never gonna give you up!"

In an instance, they were gone, but one thing first, "Oh yea!" the Koolaid Man! No, just kidding, the Rockets forgot one detail, "we'll be back with our useless, equally dunderheaded talking Pokemon companion… some day. It just needs to be given Accent training. I hear it's going to be given 'Proper Fake French.' SQUEE! I can't wait!"

"…" Maria went.

"Yes Maria…" Dexedrine sneered, "you're not worth much more than a triple dot. Can we enter the town now?"

They did just that, and as they did, a battle was taking place in the gym. Looks like Jenn-Erica is already fighting the leader. "Finish that Pidgeotto with an epic tackle!" lo and behold, a large bird actually got hurt by the small and meager mouse striking into it and fell to the ground, little spiral shapes controlling its eyes.

Faulkner looked ridiculously outlandish: most gym leaders did in some way or another. Faulkner's was his indigo hair, and his strange sense in style. They also talk funny.

"No!" he droned as though he had to say these lines OR ELSE! "My dad's cherished birds."

Dexterity chortled, because it was easier to do than snorting and chuckling because it was many letters shorter for the same results! "Your dad is either rolling in his grave, or your dad just… stunk! Seriously, get more variety!"

"Well you won," Faulkner shrugged, suddenly free of his crestfallen state, "here's the badge, and a free CD!"

"What's on it?" Jenn asked as she held the disk curiously. GASP! Description fallacy! The disc reflected sunlight even though this building had no windows.

"Mud Slap," Faulkner replied.

"Never heard of them," JE shrugged, "hopefully the music is good."

"It's a TM!" Dexterity noted

"That's right. Mud Slap teaches an improved Sand Attack. It deals damage and reduces accuracy. This move is useless against flying types because it deals ground damage, and being a Flying type leader, I shouldn't be giving out GROUND type moves, but you can…"

"HOLD IT!" Dexter stated.

In an instance, the scene changed to outside the gym and Faulkner's scream sounded like a little girl's. Then it focused close-up on Dex, "It had to be done."

"Why did you tell Faulkner to scream like that?" JE asked incredulously, "I mean… it wasn't that funny a joke last chapter… was it?"

"… Faulkner, Mud Slap isn't a TM anymore." Dex noted, "We're in the fourth generation."

"Fine, you can have Aerial Ace instead!" he stated, "this move works best on Flying types, even if Drill Peck earns one of compared to Aerial Ace. See, that's a carrot, but on some fanfic sites, they don't show up. Anyway, Aerial Ace NEVER misses and deals okay Flying damage. Teach it to a flying type," he stated with a death threat behind his words, "even though some strange choice creatures CAN learn it, like Arcanine, TYRANITAR, and for Pete's sake, . Mr. FREAKIN MIME! I mean seriously, what… the… CRAP?" he snarled, then like most Anime universe characters, he was calm, "but use it on Flying types. Now get out of here, your rival is going to show up in a few minutes and you shouldn't want to be seen yet."

Like a reader's sanity, JE was gone in instant.. It's like playing MadLibs, then again, this whole STORY is like Madlibs. This definitely was worth its own paragraph.

As JE exited, she and Maria didn't see each other because they were both in temporary displacement to avoid early confrontational epic rival battles.

Maria stepped into the Pokemon center and gasped. "GASP!" (told ya she gasped!) "It's Nurse Joy!" she was shocked more than the Rocket fools were back when Zeus made his cameo, "you travelled here too?!"

The infamous pink haired nurse smiled and tilted her head, "have we met?"

"Yea! I mean, we off screened it for that loser Jenn to get some time, but you healed my Pokemon!"

Nurse Joy nodded, then did something crazy, a red beam zapped from her eyes and struck Maria's retinas dead on, "Now you understand," she smiled chipperly as she returned to normal.

Maria was uninjured and unaffected, but Pew-pew lasers made her smarter. Then again, watching mulch grow would make her smarter, "I understand your whole family tree! Is it true your direct sister likes dressing in skimpy bikinis and cowboy hats though?"

Another beam struck Maria, "that wasn't something you were supposed to know… all fixed!"

Maria once again was oblivious, "…heal up my Pokemon and I'll take on Faulkner! I can't wait!"

Nurse Joy however was now suddenly filing her nails 'Scott Summers, eat your heart out!' As she finished filing her nails, she blew on her pointer finger as though it were a gun. Strangely, smoke seemed to rise from his fingertips in a very badass way. Don't mess with the nurse!

Dexie groaned, "… if the battle is as well written as the one at the start of the chapter, then writing about World War II would feel like an RPG, except there's no Cure Magic."

Well folks, looks like our favorite character (Maria, because Jenn is a stupid head) is off for her first gym battle! What epic surprises await her in her first gym battle? Stay tuned and go mad!


	7. Tards of a Feather

It's been a while, hasn't it? Well, now that the semester is over, there is more time to write.

**Chapter 6: Tards of a Feather**

The doors to the gym slammed open, much the way a man can drink a glass full. Maria glanced up the winding pathway. Were she normal, she'd probably have been asking why there was a BOTTOMLESS PIT in the middle of the room with only a very windy walkway to use as a foothold crossing.

This was Maria Susanna Champion however, and she was too awesomesauce to be wasting her times on debating how the walls around the pits stayed so well clean, freshly painted, and polished. …Then, she was approached.

"Hey you!" he stated, his voice was filled with phony automation, "I'm here to take ya to the top!" he spoke with glib cheer.

Maria was not too thrilled. Much like Tutorial Catch Man, this new heckler was a pest. Worse than that though, this guy was a phony in his personality! He seemed like the kinda guy who'd be at every gym with useless advice, and even if you teleported to another gym with someone else still at the current gym, he'd be in BOTH PLACES AT ONCE! He was that freaky. Unfortunately, much like the guy from the start of her journey, this guy forced her feet to sit still (even though she was standing.)

"Would you like me to make a man of a trainer out of you?" he asked with WAY too much eentusiasm. Not that this should've been shocking. Reading a n00b story was always like reading a story of stock characters with over the top personalities for no reason other than to rub that 'I have this trait' in the face of their reader. Maybe that's why Anime generated so many crappy fanfic writers… like this very author is herself. But she is perfect, or at least her OT avatar was.

"What?! No, I like being a girl!"

Dexie snorted and returned to life. Since it'd been a while since her last chapter posting, the author forgot if Dexie even decided to shut down for a rest to begin with, so saying she returned to life was a safe way to dues… hmm, we don't want another deity to appear. It could be that shmuck Loki, or maybe Aqua Man! Nobody likes Aqua Man! He's like the Brad Enbutter of his universe!

"I think you SHOULD be a man. It'd teach you to dress with more concern towards your legs. Knowing your destiny, if you were a man, you'd have a flopper with a size to make even the largest horse in the world cry!"

"What's that?" the heckler asked with genuine curiosity, breaking character almost entirely.

"If we're going by the way that young girls LOVE horses, it could be any sort of Fakemon. In this case, Dilasc made Tabronco."

The Heckler nodded, "maybe when we…" he paused, "I mean, when YOU get to some Fake regions, you will find Tabronco."

Dexie snorted yet again, "we should only BE so lucky. The authoress will probably get bored of writing this by the fifth gym!"

Maria cleared her throat, "anyways, preventing us ALL from getting 'FIRED!'" she shrugged nonchalantly, making the reader wonder how one could have such powerful vocabulary with only a dozen years of life under her belt.

"There's not a whole lot else down there," Dexie snorted, before remembering the plot. It was very thin, like paper!

Speaking of paper, the heckler turned to his side, and proved to be just like Maria's mother. He was a 2D man living in a One Dimensional world! "You want me to take you to the top?"

As Dexedrine chortled, Maria shook her head. "No thank you. I'm the main character so to teach the audience how to fight: I should insta-fail yet somehow luck out and win." This was, much to the girl's chagrin, going to last MUCH longer than the beginning. Too much foreshadowing of sucktitude, perhaps?

"Very well," the heckler nodded, "before you can fight the leader, you must beat his gym trainers as a test of endurance. I mean, even though they don't repower if you go to the Pokemon Center… still, just, GO!"

At that, Maria was travelling on towards her battle. There upon the path waited a man. Strangely enough, he held a birdcage, even though it was empty, and way too small to hold any known Pokemon, let alone one from any bird specie. "You, I'm a gym trainer," he stated as he explained himself, "shall I tell you about what it means?"

As Maria felt an option box pop up somewhere, she somehow selected no. "I'll pass."

"But you mu…" before he could finish, Maria had a burst of superhuman strength that wasn't quite her full potential, its power was still OVER NINE…

"Finish that and I SWEAR I'll haXX0r your machine. I'm a freethinking computer brain, teh intarwebs is MY domain. Kthxgoal!" Dexie ythen began to whistle in a way only a machine could.

"On second thought," the bird keeper gulped, "I'm going to guess the audience knows what the rules are since they've all beated the game at least once."

"Beated?" Dexie scoffed.

"Let's fight!" the two humans roared.

"Okay Maria," Dexie ordered, "this is a flying trainer. Since all of his Pokemon are both Normal and flying type, ghost and ground are out. Grass is also out as are bugs. In other words, use Spearow and Ratatta. They're the best you got anyway. I mean honestly, you should be able to figure this out on your own, right? RIGHT?"

"Go Spinirak!" Maria ordered, causing Dexie's scream to be blood curdling.

The Bird keeper had reverted into a filler character status, "go Spearow!"

"Maria… you're screwed." Dexie sighed. Strangely enough, the fight began epically… almost.

"That's right, readers. The author knows that gyms are a place of true awesome sauce. Therefore, get ready for a serious battle attempt," The bird keeper stated, "start with peck!"

"Spinarak, use String Shot!" Maria ordered. As she did, the diving bird was covered in white silk that dripped all around it. This made Dexie giggle.

The string somehow slowed its dive, especially because we're going to ignore the fact that the bird is going downwards, and therefore gravity dictates that all falling objects move at the same speed unless they can be affected by wind… or something like that.

In any case, this was what Maria needed. "Spinirak, ignore the fact that I cannot figure the middle vowel in your name and give a dramatic poison sting."

The small spider nodded and as the bird still flew in for a pecking order, the spider leaped with grace that it won't have unless it might need it in the next dramatic scene and with some help from string, looped onto the bird's back. From there, it bit and caused some poison damage. Because Maria was awesome beyond doubt, the bird was poisoned and somehow turned slightly purple.

Rather than waiting a few turns, the Spearow also realized that Maria was too awesome and fainted because it was going to lose eventually. As it fell, it plummeted towards the abyss. Spinarak tried to save it, but it was no good. After it fell for several minutes, there was still no sound.

The birdkeeper sighed, "Bring on the stunt double!" it hollered, not caring that some abyss creature or heckspawn was likely enjoying roasted bird. Within seconds a new Spearow appeared. On short notice though, was a very creepy sight. A man cosplaying as a Spearow.

"Oh sweet Jebus!" Dexie groaned in anguish. Suddenly a bright spotlight and heavenly music began to play, "if what happens what I THINK is going to happen, then I will activate my self-destruct mechanism.

Instantly, the lights were gone and everything returned to normal, though the Spearow costumed man looked familiar. He was the same guy who filled in for the youngster trainer. "I got a new job!" he cheered.

Maria had one question, "did we ever meet onscreen?"

The man shook his head as he somehow flew towards her. Perhaps looking like a complete train wreck had its benefits… "I did meet your rival Jenn, she…"

Maria snarled, "Jenn is bad! She's evilpants!"

Dexie chided in, "at least she WEARS pants."

"Pants make her less popular!"

Dexie quipped right back, "most girls respect her independence. You're just being a Mary Sue stereotype! You're mostly loved by boys under the age of 20, and men over 50."

Dexie shook her head, "why didn't they get a real Spearow? Or ya know, even just draw one. This is a cartoon/video game universe, find a Pro Action Reply for cripes sake or tracing paper! Seriously, I feel bad for you.

Suddenly, the man in costume looked towards the camera, and took on a deadpan tone and gained a lot of grogginess, "it's a living..."

"Onto the Gym leader," she blurted, suddenly ending any character development for the former youngster as she decided to push the plot (or lack thereof) as forward as she could.

The Birdkeeper held out a Pokeball, "Okay Spearow," he began, oblivious to the fact that 'Spearow' was a grown human in a costume.

As the light shot out, he spoke fast enough so his words could beat the speed of light, "wait! You should wait for the real replacement, I'm just a standiEEEEEE!" and in an instant, he was gone into the nonexistence of a Pokeball.

Suddenly, two dorks with 'R' on their clothes jumped in through the window.

"Prepare for…" began Ashtley (as if you needed to wonder who that was.) Suffice to say, they entered the gym with an abyss.

In an instant, both Rockets fell into the abyss. "We're blasting off again!"

Dexie cackled madly at the sheer retarded nature of this waste of about eighty words, "say hi to Spearow for me, losers!"

From way below, a voice echoed out, "hi Spearow!" it was faint, but audible.

"Sadly," Dexie sighed, "they'll somehow be back and fully recovered. I envy their immortality, especially because they're too stupid to hate life."

Maria shrugged, "we had a wonderful gym adventure and we haven't even reached the gymleader yet! This is a beautiful day!"

Dexie grinned as best as a faceless computer could, "while we stall on adventures, Jenn inches towards victory..."

"GASP!" shouted Maria as she ran deeper into the gym, somehow not falling into oblivion the way she should have.

"Narrator, my old enemy this IS oblivion... or it's close enough to it."

Dexie did have a point... and when did we become enemies?!

"Were we ever friends?"

The narrator had no response.


	8. The Fight That Almost Was Good

1Another chapter so soon? Yep! Dexie is probably very much a self-insertion of my rage, sarcasm and darkly evil thoughts yet at the same time, the most logical and third most sane, behind Jenn and the cosplayer (just like an ensemble!) She is symbolic for how the true sighted are often helpless to truly effect the world around them. ISN'T THAT DEEP? It's almost as deep as the abyss in the gym!

Warning, this chapter contains references of implied Bird Torture. While fun, we suggest you do not do it, for we at 4Kids do not condone violence or torture, unless it is to the translation of your anime... not that we do. I mean, we made One Piece a SMASHING SUCCESS!

A bit late for the holidays, but it's here!

**Chapter 7: The Fight That Almost Was... Good**

Maria appeared in front of Faulkner, who was dressed the way Faulkner was always dressed. Just like that, he was there and Maria was standing before him, both emotionless and waiting for the author to stop staring at pictures of whatever latest boyband lead singer was the [garbage] flavor of the month.

Three minutes later, Faulkner whirred to life, "hi! I'm Faulkner!" he stated, blinking five times before speaking again, "the author wanted to use my cliche speech from the video games, and forgot my lines from the anime episode, but here I am!"

"BRILLIANT," Dexie grunted with disdain, "tell us ANOTHER story."

Faulkner's eyes widened as a loud snapping noise occurred. There was no need to be alarmed because an exclamation point SNAPPED into existence over the bird man's head. "I remember now, by which I mean the author hopped onto a rom of the game and looked up the text from there. *AHEM*! I am Faulkner, gym leader of Violet City."

"Wow, this is MUCH better than your original," Dexedrine the Pokedex jeered.

Faulkner resumed his speech ignoring her, "they say you can clip a bird Pokemon's wings with a jolt of electricity."

Dexie began to laugh maniacally, "as awful a transition to take in your speech it was, that DOES sound fun. I do produce electricity..." Dexie began to ramble unimportant methods of avian torture.

Faulkner's eyes reddened into an angry face, sorta like this: : ( See! He's angry! "I won't allow anyone to make even the slightest JEST of such cruelty to the majestic flying type Pokemon that I raise so well." At that, lightning began to clash in the background.

Faulkner, however, would not take any guff from ANY electricity, so with a quick grip, he reached his hand into the background, grabbed one of the thunderbolts, and snapped its neck. To make a moment of badassery, he decided to do what any dubbed character would in this situation: say an anticlimactic pun quote, "Shocking... isn't it?" He'd also deliver it horribly.

Dexie gulped and decided to calm down. Maria however seemed rather unfazed, "Zeus won't be happy. Zeus is my friend, he said he'd make rain for me!"

Dexie didn't even give this the light of day, GASP! Faulkner however, decided to continue his Gym Leader shpeal, "Face me now, and I will show you the true power of flying/normal types."

"You mean Normal/Flying," Dexie quipped, "Flying is never the primary type. This makes you a second rate gym leader!"

Faulkner's eyes narrowed, but swiftly filled with tears, that began flowing out of his eyes in waterfalls. As they fell into the abyss, water flowed to the top, making a nice lake, just stopping short of the walkway. Just enough time for the Rockets to gain composure, because they weren't in spirit prison. The Spearow who first fell was mysteriously absent, however.

As the Rockets got to the land, Faulkner's tears conveniently focus fired a great hydro pump at them, and sent them Blasting off so fast they couldn't even say the catchphrase. "Wah!" cried Faulkner, quite possibly forgetting that he should've been on the next paragraph, "it's true. I should just give you the badge and get a different type! WAH!"

Maria frowned, because she was teh empath, "I like you Faulkner. You have nice hair!"

Faulkner, true to being Anime, was suddenly happy, and all the water instantly drained away. He blushed, and then took out a Pokeball. Faulkner then replied, "Yay! I like you too, Maria," then they stared lovingly.

"I swear to GOSH!" Dexie roared, "if we suddenly find ourselves toting around a reject gym leader for the next few regions, we'll be toting him around without his intestines! I have connections... not just to teh intrawebz!"

Faulkner then grinned, "Flying being combined with so many types makes it a great type because it augments them so well!"

Dexie made a buzzing noise, "incorrect. Flying types are weak to electric, ice and rock, all three are very common types in competitive battling. Sure, it's immune to ground, but the fight resist is wasted on the secondary normal typing in most cases. For some, like Zubat, the typing works very well, but for Charizard... well, everyone's favorite 'dragon' can't withstand a friggin pebble!" With a sigh, Dexie calmed, "but yes, they also resist grass and bug, but so do fire and steel types. Actually, fire is a better attacking type, rather than super effective on fighters, it's super effective on steel and ice, while still toasting grassy bugs. But yea, Flying types are great."

Faulkner sweatdropped, "anyways–"

"And with gravity..."

"SHUT UP!" Maria yelled as she turned the contraption off. She would of course return to life just in time for the battle, but for now, Maria needed to gaze longingly at the blue haired reject of a man. "Let's go!"

Faulkner's Pokeball was unleashed and a Pidgey was sent to play. Who doesn't know what a Pidgey looks like? If you raised your hand, you aren't even slightly in the know about Pokemon.

Maria took a second to think, and Dexie quipped up (told ya!) "This is a Pidgey. Pidgey sucks, but most newb writers like it because it lets them have two chances to fail at making epic evolutions for two weaksauce creatures. I mean seriously, Pidgeot's hairstyle is so 60''s, it's repulsive! Regardless, don't use your bug or grass Pokemon."

Maria unleashed her choice, "go Ratatta!"

"Excellent. Now, this Pidgey is level 7, so is your rat. Ratatta is much better because Quick Attack Pwns Tackle! I don't even care if I forgot to use the word seven, you can bite my shiny metal..."

"Ratatta! Use Tackle!" Maria ordered.

Faulkner gave the command, "Sand Attack!" to which sand struck the rat's eyes. Even though the rat struck dead on, it still missed!

"What?!" Maria gasped in a plot driven sense of emotion.

"Sand attack lowers defense. It's also a ground move... where do bird types get the sand to use that attack anyway?!" Dexie demanded, though got no answer.

"Ratatta, use tail whip," to which the rat whipped its tail right at the useless bird. Somehow, it caused no pain, but some of its defenses fell because the action box said so.

Sweating, Faulkner grimaced, "Tackle!" The attack struck and hurt Ratatta.

Several more uses of tackle's PP were wasted on this pumped up battle as back and forth in an epic fashion that was too awesome to explain in words. At one point, Ratatta almost fell into the abyss, but it didn't. It almost did though, even if not.

Suddenly, Faulkner attacked again... no wait, his Pidgey attacked... sorta, "Sand Attack!"

Ratatta was once again blinded by sands and missed its next attack.

"O noez!" Maria cried, "Ratatta, you're the best! I mean, I'll probably ditch you for something stronger," she explained, "but you're the best!"

Ratatta heard its master's words, and in a leap, struck at the bird and somehow KO'd it! Just like that! It is NOT anti-climactic, because it was an awesome bond of true lameness!

"Pidgey, return! Go Doduo!" Out from the Pokeball popped... a Christmas Tree? No, actually far from it, it was what appeared to be a bunch of fuzzy pompoms with skinny extensions. It was an ostrichly abomination for sure.

"Oh sweet Jebus, Maria! It's a Doduo, and while it can't fly, it can learn moves like Fly and Steel Wing... what the fudge?!" Dexie rambled, "anyways, let Ratatta weaken it if you can because this thing is seriously stronger than a mere Spearow or Pidgey."

Maria ignored, "Ratatta. I heart you, you're the bestest! Use Quick Attack!"

The rat complied, only to have the nimble mutant hop out of the way.

Faulkner began laughing, "Ha! This is where I say how this is a trump card or something witty... unfortunately, I lost my cue cards! Doduo, show them that you don't NEED flight. Fury Attack!"

"Hax!" Dexie roared, "clearly this Doduo is level six... through eight. Any higher and it'd be unfair to newbs! How does it have..."

"BREEDING!" Faulkner roared.

Dexie gulped down some circuitry, "that... that actually passes as a viable copout answer which I can accept."

In any case, Doduo pimped out the rat four times with its beaks. It could have easily gone for a few million more hits, but it decided not to. The rat was only barely hanging on.

Maria was sweating heavily. You fan boys KNOW you love every second of the thought! "Ratatta, use Tail Whip."

It complied, and somehow it lowered the bird beast's defenses before taking a plunge... not into the abyss that is.

"Oh no!" Maria whined, somehow forgetting to tack 'ez' to the end of it, "I'mma get you sexy Faulkner, and your evil birdy birds!"

"Maria..." Dexie complained, "not that I ever think you could even GET one, but... don't quit your day job. Seriously."

Faulkner blushed... why wouldn't he. The most beautiful, big boobed ten year old just called him smexy! "I... I... yay?" he gulped down his pride... or something. I don't know how love REALLY works, I'm only 12!

"Go Chikorita!" Maria proclaimed, "start with Razor Leaf!"

Dexie made some sort of audible sound... does it even matter at this point what it is? "you might be smart. Keep your distance from its beak and use Growl and Razor Leaf."

Maria did just that, and with pure pwnage, the dodge command was issued way too often as many leaves found their way into the abyss. In the end, the bird was filled with leaves though it was still going strong.

"I don't understand some logics sometimes," Dexie rambled, "I mean, it is grassy, but its pretty much as strong as a razor blade. Would somehow the ability of flight just turn them into wet paper?" Of course, nobody was listening... did they ever?

Chikorita was pantingly tired, like the good mindless beast that this child's universe portrayed pokemon as. As ordered to do one more growl, it rolled to the side by pressing the Z button, avoiding a peck and used another razor leaf which was countered with a peck and then used razor leaf to counter another oncoming growl, which would've been useless if it weren't the fourth generation but it was so Chikorita's leaves were effected by the loss of attack strength by the two headed bird but the Doduo fainted first because it was still defense downed by Ratatta from before, thanks Ratatta.

"What just happened?!" demanded Maria, who as lost and mindless as she was, was feeling herself spinning from the run on sentence above. Looking to the ground, a two headed loser bird was fainted. "Yay," she cheered as Chikorita somehow found the happy energy to hop into Maria's arms, spilling Cranberry Juice on her master in the process.

"We're not done. It's three on three," Faulkner panted. How exactly did he get tired? Giving too many overdramatic commands perhaps? "Remember?"

Maria took a few seconds to read up to the start of the chapter, "actually, it was never mentioned at all."

Without thinking, he threw his next Pokeball, unleashing his final Pokemon... it was... it was... *GASP*! It was...

"A Pidgeotto? Are you joking me? I get through why Pidgey is a reject and we get THIS thing?! It's also uber hax! It's evolved at half the levels it really needs to evolve. Are you retarded? Honestly?"

Faulkner's tongue hung out at the side of his mouth, "Daaaa! I'm's not! Pidgeotto, start out with Bitc... I mean MUD Slap!" With that, it somehow produced lots of dirt filled water and pwnzored Chikorita's accuracy. Of course, it was ground type damage, so it sucked.

"Idiot!" Dexie snarled, "growl at it. You can't really beat it. Either that or switch to Spearow... NOW! Spearow has a usually useless immunity to Accuracy reduction... it might just win the fight!"

Maria didn't comply, "use Razor Leaf!" she ordered. It missed by a longshot as the leaves flew to the ceiling, yet seemed to fly off into outer space. I mean, no noise indicated their arrival at the top of the building or nothin. Why?

"Gust!" Before it could even perform, the green creature whipped out a White flag and waved it around with its leafy head extension.

"Go Spearow!" Maria ordered. To this, Pidgeotto gulped, "Spearow, be awesome!" And at that, Spearow performed a peck. It may have LOOKED like just a peck (and it was,) but Spearow is awesome. Pidgey line sucks!

Pidgeotto, use Sand Attack, hurry, ordered Faulkner while forgetting to use quotation marks. As the Sand struck the birds eyes, it reeled back.

"Are you serious?!" Dexie roared, "Oh gosh! Say Dilasc hasn't considered... that ability. Climate Change... while awesome an ability to swap weaknesses with resistances, it doesn't help this fight. Oh well, don't worry readers. Dilasc has a few strange ideas, but I'll help keep him in line... or help keep you up to snuff with his wierd ideas."

Spearow performed a Leer as it learned it during the off screen training it had received. "Good job Spearow, strike again with another peck!"

As it did so, Pidgeotto fainted... strange indeed. Let's allow Dexie to handle this...

"Not a chance. All I'm gonna say is that Pidgeotto has higher survival stats than Doduo... actually, it's more that the fight is censored. In Japan, this fight was longer, but see, Spearow gets a wound that somehow when meshed against its feathers, looks like a swastika. Because we all know children will start yelling 88 at the first chance they can because of the sight, 4Kids edited it out." Dexie made a generic noise once more, "That's our fallback story, and we're sticking to it! So you can stick it!"

Faulkner frowned as he got defeated, "my dad's cherished birds!"

"Dexterity already did that joke when Jenn fought the fight, but calling your dead father a jobbing wuss is plenty of fun!" Dexie said.

Faulkner handed Maria the badge as he gazed into her eyes, "you won. Take this badge and a TM for Mud... I mean, Aerial Ace."

Maria's face went as red as her hair didn't. Dreamboat hair never matched the skintone exactly. Thus, red face meant no red hair. "I'm in love with you. Wanna be my travel companion squad? Us main characters need 'em or our quests get boring."

"Ha! It won't help at all!"

Faulkner nodded, "yes. Let's journey together. Though we clearly want to make hot mankey love, we must spend time in denial and bickering like mad. Otherwise it'll be boring. Understood?"

Maria nodded as she and Faulkner walked away. Because he had forgotten to do so sooner, Faulkner called back the dying Doduo that had been out of its Pokeball for the last cutup battle.

"Faulkner, how old are you?" Dexie asked very carefully.

"I'm seventeen!"

Dexie began to twitch and shake violently, "readers! Yes, I'm addressing you. This shouldn't surprise you that he's seven years older than her. In anime universes, pedophilia doesn't exist! It's still gross... if anyone can save me, do so!"

Meanwhile, in the real world, thousands of Japanese Pokemon fans were watching/reading this episode/chapter, all looking for the swastika. They amount of rewinds on their uncensored versions bore very little success...


	9. SoB Story, minus the So

1Well well! It looks like I've been mulling long enough! Where was we? It's time for everyone's favorite kinds of episodes... build up. This chapter may actually be well written, which goes against the theme of the story. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

**Chapter 8: S.o.B Stoies, Minus the S.o.**

Maria sighed, mirroring her evening of the intro chapter entirely. It was a sad day for Maria, she could remember everything as though it were happening in a flashback, mainly because it was.

FLASHBACK!

There was Faulkner, his hands gripping the girl's shoulders for dramatic effect. "I realize that I cannot go with you yet. The fill-in gym leader will not be here untilz after you get ten badges and compete at Indigo Plateau. If you still travel Johto, come back here and we'll be together 4eva, but only if you travel Johto again.

Maria's eyes welled up with tears of loving joy as she responded to the boy, her hair currently teal in color. "I love you!"

At that, they hugged. Prudes removed the intense necking that this scene WOULD'VE had if uncensored.

Faulkner sighed under his breath, 'I cannot tell her that I am a vampire and that I sparkle in the sun... wait, wrong script!'

FLASHBACK ENDS!

Maria sighed yet again, feeling all emotional. She was now in the Pokemon Center's resting quarters. After all, motels would require money, and these are children we're talking about. Their real life counterparts probably make more money.

"Oh Dexie, two days into my journey and I've already found the man of my dreams!" Maria sighed, "he said he loved me because I'm special."

Dexie wanted to ignore her, but taking cheap potshots was always much too fun, "Maria, know that you mean the world to me, so I'll tell you, he said that because he wanted you to feel good about yourself!"

Maria buried her head in the pillow and down flew out, "the feathers remind me of his Pidgeotto."

Dexedrine groaned heavily. As much as she loathed the girl, the computerized jerkface needed Maria: she'd be without any form of claim to glory without her.

"Pull yourself together!"

Maria looked up, "did you say that Dexie?" she asked, "I mean, it was on its own line of dialogue compared to being in your mini character developing paragraph there, so I'm not sure."

Dexie nodded, but then she remembered that she couldn't nod. "Yes my oddly dressed leader, get over it! Besides, you'll be saying the same thing when we meet Morty!"

Maria tiled her head.

Dexie cringed, "that sounds painful, though I'm guessing you actually were trying to tilt it instead. In any case, you'll understand when you see him."

Maria ignored her smarter friend, and wondered about her role and herself. For some reason, this didn't take long, probably because Maria was your typical Anime ingenue: dull, often bipolar, highly attractive (not even objectively), seen as benevolent by all and only a few years away from being bishoj... bishouj... um, I'm afraid I'm not otaku enough to know how to spell it, but it's a female bishie. I'm not even sure I'm using it right. I'm still learning all my Japanese through dubbed episodes of various animes, and I'm only twelve.

In any case, Maria didn't quite drift off to sleep yet, it was only eight-thirty after all. The door to the room opened and in walked someone familiar... it was Jenn-Erica!

A double gasp escaped both girls lips. "Oh goodie in a Taco Bell Restroom!" Dexie cried in anguish.

"Well now," Dexterity grinned as best as his faceless red body could grin, "I'm surrounded by three hotties! Dexedrine, my dear. Would you like to jack on to my system."

Dexie sighed angrily and throatily, "I'd rather jack off... I mean... crap! I hate you Dexterity! I was glad to be away from you, you useless AI version of Johnny Bravo... but looks like you're stuck with my rival. I'd feel sorry for her if she had human emotions."

"I hate him as much as you do," Jenn explained "Not as much as I hate Maria for being a useless twig with melons, but I still despise him. He helps me with my captures, that's about all."

Maria frowned, "well... at least I got a boyfriend!"

Jenn shook her head, "you mean Faulkner? Please! He tried hitting on me too... remember viewers, I wasn't on screen for that scene, and mallet based Anime injuries tend to heal quickly!"

Maria ignored her, "how about a battle then. I can beat you now, I bet!"

"Can you possibly go six on six? I can!"

Maria pouted, "I can go four on four... but that's because my other two Pokemon are, um, hurt!"

Jenn laughed in hysteria, "Ha! Alright, I'll just ask Nurse Joy, since we ARE at a Pokemon Center."

"Noez! Look, let's fight Jenn!" she proclaimed, her voice actress clearly sucking at this line. You can hear its flatness!

"Let's take it outside! This is a place of healing after all," Dext suggested sagely before reverting back into his bland character, "then again, I could use some healing. I need feeding like a newborn baby. Jenn, even though you haven't hit puberty yet, feed your nimble computer some love!"

Jenn growled, "Dexie!" she asked fauxly sweet, "do Asimov's Laws work in reverse?"

"Hah!" roared Dexie, "Asimov doesn't care about anything aside from Robot to human violence, if I can hurt him, so can you. You could technically use robots to battle and maim Pokemon if you'd like... though recent charters deemed THAT unallowed as well... rotten jackasses!"

Jenn-Erica grinned, "Dext my friend, would you like to suck on my feet?"

Dext made an affirming beep noise, "I'm a computer! Stop all the downloadin'! Help computer!"

Jenn shrugged, "Good enough," she stated as she placed Dext on the floor, "eat foot, gear grinder!"

"Yes ma'am, I... BLARG!" it shouted, and we assumed something happened to it. Proceeding that, it spoke again in deadpan, "ouch that hurt."

Dexedrine seemed awestruck, "Sacred Pokeballs, Zubat Man! You, girl!" she addressed JE, "you abuse useless computers, mistreat retarded rivals, and have more than ten brain cells. Can I say that I'm genuinely in love with you?"

JE held back a blush as... wait, WHAT?! This story's just too weird! Anyway, she spoke again, "Um, well, you... you can't! Think of how they butchered all the homosexual relationships in Sailor Moon dubs! According to most countries, lesbians are the ebil!"

Dexie stayed quiet for a few more seconds, "I'm already pretty evil! I might as well sign another contract with demons. Guess I'll just be chillin' with the robot devil... ya know, like in Futurama!"

Jenn shrugged, and stammered to speak, "W-well, maybe some day. Maybe we should just trade Pokedexes. After all, if you need another reason to want me..."

"If you must, but so far I..."

"I wear pants!" Jenn declared. As Dexie squealed in delight, Jenn continued, "hey Dexter, you might like that wench, she wears miniskirts!"

It was Dexterity's turn to show audible glee, even forgiving his human for calling him Dexter, "let's trade!"

Maria shrugged, "but I love Dexie!" she welled with tears as she clutched the red electronic dictionary close.

"But Maria, I love you so much!" Dext tried with a Casanova voice... whatever that may have meant!

Maria squealed in delight as she and her rival swapped Pokedexes. Unfortunatelty, happiness of this long term duration was against the law of the universe.

The world began flashing red as the universe began to shake, "WARNING!" shouted a voice from the center of the universe, a.k.a, it burst from somewhere within Maria. "Character levels too closely match happiness. Under section -twelve and a half, (whatever that means,) rival trainers are not allowed long term happiness. If you do not switch back, the universe will implode around you and you will be... CANCELLED!" the voice then took a deep breath as it gasped for air to reach its lungs.

Both girls needed nothing beyond cancelled to give each other back their mal-aligned machines and undo any and all universal problems. "We're saved!" both girl shouted with less emphasis than they should've in the face of apocalypse. Not that he was here, since the X-Men were probably busy fighting him at this moment... in another universe that is.

"Anyway..." trailed Maria, "are we gonna start this fight so I can kick your butt?"

JE shrugged, "Alright, I'll meet you outside. Meet me there next chapter, and don't take longer than three paragraphs to get there... or else!"

Dexie was gleeful, "guess that means three paragraphs of silence..." she mumbled to herself, "unless I can help move things along. Don't worry, love of my life! I'll do anything for you! ANYTHING!" Pixilated hearts flew from her machine mainframe and nobody noticed it in the least. ^_^


	10. Rival Match

It's been a while, did ya miss me?

**Chapter 9: Rival Match  
**  
Maria was stunned, likely paralyzed by some mysterious force known as the pause button, but she wasn't going to let this ruin her life! As the screen unpaused, she ran outside with sonic speed that rivaled her very first chapter.

Before Dexie could be a ruinous paragraph maker, Maria was outside and Jenn was already waiting. Dag nab bit!

As much as Dexie wanted to have this woman's lesbian android babies, something troubled her as per usual. "So… how did you get out here before we did? Maria practically pulled a Skitty Pride move and phased through the walls to get here. It's an exhilarating experience for sure, but it causes my circuit menst… uh I mean my internet connections to go haywire! ……… Has anyone seen my closing quotation mark?"

Dext grinned, "Need a lift, sweetie?" he asked the female dictionary, "I've got some binary. We can make some ones and o's! I'll give you a life!" he spoke casually, before suddenly realizing that the 'e' key was too close to the 't.'

Dexie laughed, "YOU need a life. You're never getting any from this girl!"

Dext frowned, (or he would have if he had a face) but Dexie laughed, "Actually… maybe you can help me… I'll explain more in private messages later. For now, we gotta help this lame fight!"

Dext grumbled impatiently, but complied, "Alright you potential booty calls, the fight is four on four. By which I mean there's four of us…" suddenly nobody cared, not even the narrative!

Maria grinned readily, though on the inside she was nervous. Sure, she had Mary Sueism on her side and Maria KNEW IT! Even still, she was scared that her rival did have better trained Pokemons. "I'll start with Spearow!"

Jen shrugged, wondering where the extra n in her name disappeared off to, "I'll start with Cyndaquil!" She felt a strange twinge in her stomach as she noticed the exclamation point go up.

Maria began this battle with a peck, and in doing so, seemed awfully sweet, but the kiss on her rival's cheek was a BIT uncalled for. Then, the narration corrected it and sent the Spearow in to peck at the enemy fire mouse.

The mouse was ready, and read the move perfectly. Then again, everyone seemed to backread a few chapters… everyone…

Okay, RANT TIME! It's like having Chekov's theories thrown in your face. If there's a gun, it's already shouting a lullaby while stealing spotlight for the lulz! After doing so, it too will clearly scream, "IMMA COME BACK" and nobody will be surprised beyond the shock value that he has returned… with laser plastered sombreros on its feet… and you'll forget that it's a gun and thusly has no feet to begin with! So ha! Joke's on you. I ownd j00! I… where was I again?!

Oh yea, the Cyndaquil wondered why the two humans were making both love and war at the same time, but proceeded to use Leer as ordered. I don't get sidetracked at all!

In turn, Spearow leered, and then Cyndaquil leered, and then Spearow used another peck, then *yawn* Cyndaquil tried an ember, which didn't taste very good, and then… and then *snore.* Too much rant sauce makes me sl…… *snore*

"Ah, Dang it! Looks like the narrator was put to sleep by our fight. What a way to go! Now we can only control this fight through dialogue until he's fixed."

"Which of you said that?"

"I dunno. I think I'm Dexterity, but I'm not feeling as horny as I probably should. Perhaps if we all scream loud enough…"

And indeed, they screamed, they screamed so loud that it was the shout heard around the world, the way only a Mary Sue and her rival villain could create.

"Hey!" Jenn demanded, "I am NOT a bad guy!"

"You're right," Dext said with a silky tone, "you're not a bad guy. You're a naughty girl. It's against protocall to hurt humans, but you could use a spanking every once in a while. Even your mother would be hot!"

Jenn snarled and then Dext was shouting on pain from somewhere on the ground, "my mother's in spirit jail you insensitive machine!"

Maria gasped, "Jenn, I… I didn't know. Why didn't…" Maria was stunned and unable to reply.

Jenn nodded, "it's alright Maria," she said, as both characters jumped OOC.

Maria shakes her head, "since when did you develop a deep backstory?"

A loud slap was heard as the camera returned to late to see it, "feel my implied slap, you insensitive jerk!" That was of course, Jenn, well deservedly providing the smackdown.

Dext was swooning, "that slap that nobody actually saw was pretty hot!"

Maria shrugged, "can we resume the fight. I sense another human arriving soon and if we don't…"

"Dude!" it was too late. Brad was already upon them in all his surfer voicedness… I guess he DOES need a team review, right? It's only fair after all, even if it is Brad hate central, damn dreamo.

Brad's starter is Totodile… yick! Sadly with DP's special split, the more awesome of teh Johto starters. With him is a Phanpy, a Geodude, a Beedrill and an Ekans. Brad really gets around, doesn't he? What is it with major characters in Dilasc stories always having a few poison types? Doesn't he know poison is the weakest type?

"Dilasc logic will confuse you," Dexie explained to the narrator, "just watch out for rainclouds of a different variety..."

Jenn blinked, "are we at the end of the chapter already? I feel like NOTHING HAPPENED!"

"Nothing did happen, my love," Dexie replied, "we need to await the next epis… chapter!"

By teh way, Dilasc has plans for poison types... you've been warned. This narration brought to you at gunpoint, because the author really IS insane. But you already knew that. Cya next time... I hope.


	11. Bradical Dude!

It's been… too long, yes? … Too long?!

Anyways, where was I? I don't remember, nor do I care, I'll figure as I go along.

Anyways, enter chapter.

**Chapter X: Bradical… Dude!**

Brad entered the scene and said something but we didnt care one bit. "This is awesome. I like, have lines, even if they're pointless and life is pointless… dude. It's pointless!"

Maria stuck her tongue out and blushed at the same time, cuz insane babblings of a purely chaotic nature were smexay!

Dexie rolled her nonexistent eyes, "free Portal flavored cake for anyone who can figure out just how many grammatical mistakes are in the passages just above. The cake tastes like your life will be (which is a big fat lie!)"

Brad's Pokedex spoke in a strangely eloquent British accent… How does a British accent sound when speaking Japanese anywayz? Oh yea, it was also female, and while not sexy, it was formal, "good day blimey chums! Tut tut, Honey Nut Cheerios! I'm bloody Lilariana, and yes I am British, pomp and ridiculously ladylike, you bloody tarts," it quickly added "crumpets!" to its sentence for no reason other than to remind us that it is a British fricken stereotype.

"Jeez Louise," Dexie snarled, "That machine is more useless than its operator! I bet even Dexterity wouldn't tap that."

"Yes I would!"

"Shut up!" Dexie and JE snapped at the same time. They then looked at each other, and then turned away 'harumphing' with somewhat reddened cheeks. How did Dexie pull off all of that? Well, her screen reddened and Maria followed her stage blocking like a good and perfect girl.

"Egads, you two make a most smashing couple. Go to the tucker and catch me a croc, cheerio! Did I mention that I'm a British chick?" Brad's machine with a name I'll practically never repeat due to its length rambled haughtily, "Fish and chips!"

Jenn smiled, "our battle isn't over yet, we can let these Peanuts squabble!"

"Good grief," sighed Maria for no reason other than to make a pun that few might not understand. She sighed again and again, much like on the first episode of her life where she had angst! Oh woe was she! Life was hard being pretty and beautiful.

Suddenly, Team Rocket appeared just in time to cause trouble, "roar, we're teh ebil!" they said in monotone unison.

"Bugga'!" went the British machine, "right ol' chum ol' chap, monsieur!"

"Dexie gasped, but someone left the quotation marks on at the start of the sentence, "ignoring the possessive nature of this narrator, you just said a FRENCH word. FRAUD!!"

Team Rocket shrugged and walked off because they were bored. They were somewhat ahead of the game knowing they'd be flying into Martian orbit if they tried anything, so they decided to swipe a few pieces of dirt and RUN! Jerks! Thieves! They must suffer for stealing dirt!

"Yay!" cheered Maria, "we saved the day!"

We didn't do anything said Jenn, even though she should've been screaming and more importantly should've been in quotation marks.

Dexie shrugged… well, not really, but still she did, "Jenn, you can take one solace at least. Unlike MOST cliché parodies, there's actually a second sane person… when I don't lust for your body and soul!"

Then something happened, which Lilariana commented on being a smashing good show, even though nothing was smashed and it wasn't a show. Then Brad farted and everyone giggled because fart jokes are FUNNY!

"Ya know," noted Dexie, "I think this chapter is supposed to be over, especially since the BGM has stopped looping. Maybe we should GO INSIDE and FEEL ASLEEP!"

For no raisin at all, (though maybe half a grape) everyone stopped, then they turned around, then they looked at Dexie, then the audience feel… I mean fell asleep! "WHAT?!" she roared, and everyone looked away fearfully.

"Bloody bloomin' psychopathic tart!" yelled the Briton dictionary.

"Be nice," Jenn declared heroically, "if my love wants to be angry at you, LET HER!"

Dexie spoke up, "Um, while it's the best thing ever that we ARE in love, maybe we should wait. Maybe our romance can salvage some gold from the large piles of crap, ya dig?"

Jenn nodded; then she tilted her head, "we're in love?"

Dexie sighed, "great, writer induced amnesia… wait, did she (the author) actually use a semicolon almost CORRECTLY?! El gasp, I'm kinda shocked!"

Suddenly, everyone was inside in their rooms, the battle was too epic and descriptive for the author to waste time trying to write; same goes for the character development scene that just followed.

"Didn't we just sit around and play strip poker, Mr. Narrator?" asked Maria, to which I answer no, but seriously, I do need my pants back, and my boxers! I'm just glad I'm hidden behind an omnipresence… ya know what, I'm not telling any more story unless I get some leggings! Therefore, **ACTIVATE AWKWARD CHAPTER END WITH ALL CAPITAL LETTERS AND BOLD FACE!!!!!!**


	12. Bug's I mean, Character Envelopment

Where have all yous readers gone? You make me mad! Grrr *sticks out tongue*

Flames will be absorbed by Charizard… aren't these useless "I ignore flames" posts cool? I mean, they work, right? AmIright?!

Anyways, more story!

**Chapter 12: A Bug's Strife**

Maria was on the road and "WAIT A MINUTE!" roared Dexie, "what happened to chapter 11?"

*Sweatdrop* Well… P USA deemed it unfit to be aired… "So," she roared back at me, "why?"

The reason, dear Dexedrine, is because it contained… *drum rolled* a Porygon-2.

"Are you serious… that's all? Because everyone on Earth had epilepsy for a time span of about twenty-two minutes not actually BECAUSE of the Porygon in the episode, it's banned from the screen. Am I correct here?"

Yes, I replied… I don't get quoty marks because I'm a narrator BTW. "Also, I was naked in that episode!"

Maria was of course on break at the moment, sittin back, havin a Bud, "WASSUP!"

Dexie grimaced in spite of her lack of face, "you don't actually have a physical body!"

In real life, narrators have bodies… not that you can catch a camera to that.

Dexie laughed and privately showed that narrator a picture of his monitor from off-screen. "I can… perhaps you want to remain unseen… let's cut a deal, shall we?"

The question that begs asking, why does Dexie want to subject herself to this torture? Maybe she's snapped and enjoys the pain…

"Actually, it's because I share a deep and romantic moment with my love. I don't get that kind of enjoyment again for at least eight more episodes depending on how random Dilasc decides to be."

Ah, a lesbian interspecies relationship, I replied, and yes I know that Dexie has no specie… (and no soul,) a third, maybe even 4th reason to ban in America. "The camera's rolling, storyteller!"

Well, one thing to do now… REWIND!

**Chapter 11: Character Envelopment**

Maria was dreaming an emo dream, thus she was in a dreemo state of mind. Baffling, is it not? Anyways, in her dream, Jenn was there and was talking words, mean words…

"Lol," loled dream Jenn, "You are the st00pid. I am liek, better than U! Roflmao…" she recited; then she said on the aside, "they don't really pay me enough for this!"

Suddenly a new character appeared: his hair was spiky enough to make many an anime or Japanese videogame protagonist utterly jealous and it was brown, but wait, his cliché appearance was different, he had GLASSES! Of course, like all cartoon characters, he's blind without them, even though they're really just reading glasses, but I don't know all about that jazz, I'm only twelve for Lugia's sake!

This was Gareth Getaround, but this playboy is often known as G2 for the sake of simplicity. His voice was as suave as any Bishounen boy to boot… strangely, only some girls wanted him while others were inflicted with Dilascan suaveness, meaning they knew better until the dozen year old took over again.

He was about to say something when the dream ended, just as well, the Japanese version couldn't find a suitable voice actor yet… I mean, let's face it, you hear the same damn voices in EVERY anime, many of them not even probably understanding the plot, and making it somewhat boring. You'll probably get more thrill watching an abridged version… wait, where was I?

Anyways, we're back in this whacked out reality and everyone is sleeping, except for Jenn, who somehow had PCDCS (Plot/Character Development/Cutscene) Insomnia.

"Hey Jenn," said Dexie, since robots don't sleep. As the girl turned her head to acknowledged, Dexie spoke again, "the morons are sleeping, even the Pokedexes! Wanna have a chance to deepen our meaningful relationship?"

Jenn took a second to think, "I don't know… shouldn't I be resting to regain my strength and energy?"

Dexier pffted, "you're at an inn! You'll gain full health and MP in the morning regardless! Aside from that, think about how no body will be able to ruin our lives with negative IQ scores… except for that clumsy typist who makes me say no body as two words and puts an r at the end of my name… wait, she's mocking my lack of physical form! I'll send her to spirit prison, because dooming her is a censorable offense!"

Jenn shook her head, "don't be so high strung… no, that wasn't a pun, just relax a bit and enjoy freedom, okay sweetie?"

"I love you," the computer stated, "even though it was cloudy last chapter, it should suddenly be clear skies now so we can gaze at the stars away from those wankers!"

In an instant, uh, whatever her name was, the British machine, was awake and somehow moved itself to the scene, "did someone say wanker?"

"She said winker!"

"Bloody lying tart! Crumpets! I'm… I'm just going to go back to my gimmick then, right luv? Anyone got any Foster's?"

Jenn blinked… "these literal translations faze me in and out of existence and makes me dizzy. But what I was trying to ask was: isn't Foster's Australian?"

Dexie shrugged, "it's best she doesn't know, then again, she could meltdown if she breaks from her Lawful Neutral stereotype. Then again, she'd be one of the few in this universe who adheres to law…" Dexie paused before gaining momentum, "With everyone else being chaotic neutral or chaotic stupid, we'd be racked with turbulence (not to mention idiocy)… the chaos would CONSUME US ALL!"

At that, Dexie broke down into sobs, and Jenn consoled her, "there there!" she said because she didn't know what else to say.

"I'm cold," Dexie whimpered before sobering up again, "betcha nobody's gonna even get that reference!"

"You assume they read it before they get it!" noted Brad, who woke up for some plot enduced amnesia.

"Ahem!" cleared Jenn, not all that physically attracted to the surfer sounding hunk, nope, no interest at all… seriously, is I'm gonna have to choke a witch?!

"Wha…" Brad wondered before remembering to get back into character, "I mean… dude… sweet!"

Dexie sighed, "ya know brad, compared to the others here, you're honestly not too bad beyond your not too original catchphrase, and the author forgot the capital letters, AGAIN!"

Brad was immersed in his Pokedex, "there's like a Porygon I want to trade for," he began out of nowhere as a picture in his mind popped up.

THE END… Wait, what was that gun-cocking sound? …… teehee I said sound.

"Continue the episode!" yelled everyone in and outside the universe, "or else!"

Dexie nodded the only way a faceless being could, by remaining absolutely still, "Porygon isn't THAT great beyond saying L00K ME I GOTZ THE RAREZ! Beyond that, it's average, though it's evolutions are useful in their own ways."

As she spoke, one of Jenn's Pokeballs opened up, revealing her starter, which was healed up earlier of all injuries from an **EPIC LOW LEVEL BATTLE!**™ A battle too awesome to show an audience, "What're you doing out?" she asked honestly as she stared out the window… it was there the whole time, honest! As the creature looked up in a robotic fashion, she replied, "oh, you're acting dramatic for this touching midnight scene. Cool!" The small rat nodded, wishing it was Twenty kilometers away, or whatevermany miles… In America!

Suddenly, Brad's Totodile came out, making this showing of the beast unavoidable, some dust is being deceitful somewhere out there. As they glanced out the window at the stars, some legendary flew by, but only Maria (who was also awake) saw it. "Hey, look, LISTEN!" she said in a fairy tone that is so bad, you can SEE the aggravation when you're DEAF!

"Shut up, d00d!" Brad replied, "there's no way you saw any Pokemon of undeniable power and greatness the way you were about to claim. Like, shya! Simple nobody trainers like us don't have deep adventures…" Then they all laughed.

Maria's laugh overed quickly however as she looked at the camera, "I'm surrounded by weirdoes!" although her Chikorita also saw the odd Pokemon too maybe, but nobody cared.

Dexie snorted, "you don't have the right to even say those words!"

And then they all went to sleep, woke up, and separated, even though all their destinations were gym 2 in bugland, they went in different directions. Yes, it makes absolute sense to me too!

As they parted, they felt moar bonded, and that night proved one thing, there might actually be hope for the author and the characters with their character development…

Maria looked across the field, "I need an electrical rodent!" she bellowed, causing me the author to take back my sense of hopes and lose what little faith I had, "silly author, faith is belief without physical evidential backing. You have no need for it!"

With words like that, I might need something illegal (In America) to truly delve into the carameldansen coated mind of Maria Susana Champion! BTW, chapter 12, it'll probably have a different name because the author has short-term memory! Peace out homeslice!

"If you want lungs to absorb the zoning out powers, you better not leave yet," demanded Dexie in a deep basal tone, "was that Porygon incident REALLY so bad? In fact, I hope Brad gets it. Pest he may be, knowing that I don't suffer alone will make me feel much better about myself… I'm such a desperate girl. I just want to be loved!" and she cried all the way into the next episode. "You better hurry, they'll give me real water tears before long so don't take MONTHS this time!"


End file.
